ParentLine
Dear ParentLine,
Our daughter, 17, developed an addiction to drugs. We have acquired treatment for her and she is now in recovery. BUT—it has been absolute HELL for the past year. The fights, the running away, the courts, the police, the schools, the other parents, the doctors, the social workers…you name it! We are seeing a glimmer of hope now, as she seems to be clean with a relative positive outlook, but we are beat. When you are fighting so hard for your child, it’s easy to loose sight of yourself and our own health and well-being. We have heard about parent support groups, but have been afraid to attend. What is the best thing we can do for our child and ourselves at this stage?
Signed, Burned Out in Hillsborough County.
Kudos to you for your trip to Hell and back with your daughter and yes, you need to do things for yourselves. Though you say you’re ‘afraid’ to attend a support group, who better than other parents who have had a similar experience to understand what you’ve gone through--and are going through? You might find it helpful to hear the stories of parents who are at various stages of their child’s addiction and learn about resources you may not have discovered on your own.
It’s important for you to realize that your daughter’s recovery is a life-long process that requires her commitment. She must also identify her substance abuse triggers and then change her behavior. This step requires the entire family to work together. It’s also important for you to let your daughter know you support her efforts and to respond with empathy to the struggles she faces.
The experts at The National Resource Center (www.drugrehabtreatment.com) in an article titled, “Recovery Support,” suggest that family therapy is necessary to identify issues and uncover the psychological, social, and spiritual reasons that may have contributed to your daughter’s drug addiction.
Yes, ParentLine knows you are exhausted on all fronts, but family members should explore their part in the family dynamic and specifically in the addiction of the affected teenager. This therapy is a vital factor in the continued sobriety of a recovering addict after treatment. Here, ParentLine quotes the experts when they say, “It is extremely helpful for parents and siblings to go to support groups such as Al-Anon and Alateen so they can express their own feelings in an environment that is specifically meant to support family members.”
Further, this article suggests, “It is after treatment that a supportive family will make the most difference. Family members should be encouraged to seek their own support groups and explore any codependent behavior that may have contributed to the overall situation. Sharing these thoughts and feelings as a family helps to strengthen the family bond and goes a long way toward rebuilding trust between the recovering addict and the rest of the family.”
During your daughter’s recovery process, Nicole Soroko, program manager of Child and Family Services’ Adolescent Substance Abuse Treatment program, says, “It’s important for parents to acknowledge positive progress and emphasize the things their child is doing well. For example say things like, “I really appreciate that you have come home on time for curfew every night for the past week.” “I’m so proud of you.” Parents should avoid blaming and continuously bringing up negative behaviors from the past (as difficult as it can be at times). Blaming the adolescent for previous problems does not serve any purpose. Emphasis should be placed on the future. Acknowledging current positive behavior has significant influence in shaping future behavior.”
Soroko adds, “Parents should adhere to consistent consequences when the adolescent does break the rules. The consequence needs to be something the parent can and will follow through with. Many parents set consequences they have trouble upholding and teens are aware of this.”
Child and Family Services has a parent support group that meets every Tuesday evening from 6:00p.m. to 7:30p.m. at 404 Chestnut St. in Manchester. Call the number listed at the end of this article for information. Parents can feel free to attend at any time. There is no registration or fee required and they do not have to commit to attending every week. Though the group is facilitated by a master’s level clinician, the group focuses on the topics parents bring to the sessions.
The CFS parent support group is open to parents who have an adolescent who is struggling with substance use issues. The adolescent doesn’t have to be in treatment in order for the parents to attend. Many parents are nervous about attending for the first time but the group provides a friendly, open and non-judgmental atmosphere. Parents who have been attending regularly are eager to help those who are new to this struggle and offer a great deal of support.
Parents who want to attend but are reluctant or nervous can contact the Adolescent Substance Abuse Treatment Program at Child and Family Services and a staff member will answer any questions they have. Call the number listed at the end of this article to speak with a trained professional.
An article titled “The Family Role in Addiction: Denial, Enabling, and Codependency,” found on The Partnership for a Drug-Free America website (www.drugfree.org) says that experts encourage family members who are concerned about a loved one to remind themselves regularly (perhaps several times a day), “I did not cause the problem. I cannot cure the problem. I cannot control the problem. I can offer assistance, but the person with the substance use disorder must take responsibility for it and must be the primary person responsible for getting help.”
These experts also urge all family members to take care of themselves by getting enough sleep, eating right, and having time for themselves. Family members living with substance users often neglect their own care because they become pre-occupied with caring for the other person. Your journey isn’t an easy one but if you and your daughter continue to take one day at a time, she can get and stay clean and sober. Don’t look down, don’t look back. Just take one step at a time.
ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.
