Abuse

Dear ParentLine: I’m worried about my brother’s children, ages nine and six…that there’s some kind of abuse going on in the family. Last year, the kids were active and social and not afraid to be around other kids and their own family members. But now, they coil up. They won’t talk. They lash out unpredictably. And, the six year old has even wet herself at school and at a recent family gathering. AND, we are sure that both kids are hiding bruises. Once, the nine year old had a huge cut over her left eye, but they said it was a roller skating accident. I’m not so sure. What should I do? Signed, Concerned for Nieces in Concord, NH

Good for you for voicing your concern! Your situation is an extremely delicate one. On one hand, you don’t want to seen as an interfering family member or to be accused of playing therapist. On the other hand, child abuse is against the law. And, yes, child abuse can happen in your family.

Child abuse affects children of every age, race, and income level. Most abuse happens in the home and is inflicted by parents, siblings, relatives, a babysitter or friend of the family—someone the child knows and trusts. Most abusers are stressed and/or isolated by life circumstances, such as young moms and dads unprepared for the responsibilities of raising a child; overwhelmed single parents with no support system; families placed under great stress by poverty, divorce, or sickness; or parents with drug or alcohol problems.

The first step you can take to help or get help for an abused or neglected child is to identify the signs and symptoms of abuse. There are four major types of child maltreatment: physical, sexual and emotional abuse, and neglect.

Physical abuse is intentional injury inflicted upon a child. It may include severe shaking, beating, kicking, punching, or burning that result in minor marks, bruising, or even death. To answer your question about how you can tell if a child is being abused, children who are physically abused may:

Be nervous around adults
Be watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen
Have difficulty playing
Act aggressively toward adults and other children
Be unable to concentrate at school
Suddenly underachieve – or overachieve – at school
Find it difficult to trust other people and make friends
Arrive at school too early, or leave after the other children
Have broken bones, or unexplained bruises, burns, or welts in various stages of healing
The child is unable to explain an injury or explanations given by the child or caretaker are inconsistent with the injury
The child is unusually frightened of a parent or caretaker, or is afraid to go home

Sexual abuse refers to any sexual act with a child by an adult or older child. It includes fondling the child’s genitals, penetration, incest, rape, sodomy, indecent exposure, and using the child for prostitution or the production of pornographic materials. Children who are sexually abused may:

Behave differently when the abuse starts
Talk or act sexually at too early an age, or have an inappropriate knowledge about sex
Have pain or bleeding in anal or genital area with redness or swelling
Care less about their appearance, or their health
Display age-inappropriate play with toys, self, or other
Be secretive and stop talking about home-life
Start soiling themselves
Be unable to sleep
Suddenly find physical contact frightening
Run away from home

Neglect is failure to provide for a child’s basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, medical care, education, or proper supervision. Children who are neglected or emotionally abused may:

May show signs of malnutrition, or begs, steals, or hoards food
Have difficulty learning to talk
Have poor hygiene: matted hair, dirty skin, or severe body odor
Have unattended physical or medical problems
State that no one is home to provide care
Find it hard to develop close relationships
Be overly-friendly with strangers
Be unable to play imaginatively
Think badly of themselves
Underachieve at school

Remember, none of these signs prove that child abuse or neglect is present, since any of them may be noticeable at one time or another. However, when these signs occur repeatedly or in combination with one another, the child may be suffering abuse or neglect.

Your course of action to assist the child and the family will be based, in large part, on what you observe. Be assured, concerned adults can make a difference in the lives of children and their families. As with all things, especially with regard to child abuse or neglect, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It really does take a whole village to raise a child! To help prevent child abuse or neglect, you can:

Be a nurturing parent
Help a friend, neighbor or relative if they are having difficulty with their children
Get involved. Advocate for services to help families.
Volunteer at a local child abuse program
Help develop parenting resources at your local library

Your words of support, such as, “They all do that at that age,” when you pass a child who’s throwing a tantrum in the supermarket, may help a parent to not become reactive to the child. Or, in the case of your brother’s family, if you see that he and his wife are stressed—maybe something’s happened that he hasn’t told you about like marital or work problems--offer to watch the kids play. Your intervention may divert pressure that could later be turned on the child.

If, however, you have reason to suspect that a child is being abused or neglected, there is an agency in every state mandated by federal law to receive and to investigate reports of suspected child abuse and neglect. Reporting child abuse is a way to get help for the child and/or the family. You can choose to remain anonymous when you make a report. The most important thing is that you may be helping to rescue and save a child. It is not your job to prove that the child abuse has occurred; that’s up to the investigator. If you suspect abuse, report it! Better safe than sorry.

To report child abuse, call the Department of Children, Youth and Families (DCYF), 1-800-894-5533 or phone the local police.

For more information about child abuse and what can be done to prevent it:

Prevent Child Abuse America at www.preventchildabuse.org

National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect at www.afc.hhs.gov

American Psychological Association at www.apa.org

For more information about legislative actions to prevent child abuse and protect our children:

NH Children’s Lobby, the advocacy program of Child and Family Services, www.cfsnh.org

Children’s Alliance of NH, www.childrennh.org

Child Welfare League of America, www.cwla.org

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.