ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

My father recently moved in with my family because a stroke left him unable to be on his own. My children remembered their grandfather as an active man and are having trouble understanding that things have changed. My six-year-old gets frustrated and angry that Grandpa doesn’t always understand what he’s saying. I want my father to feel welcome. I just wish my children would be more understanding and patient.

Signed Mrs. J. in Grafton County

 

Aging isn’t always an easy thing for children to understand. Elderly parents aren’t as likely as they were in former generations to go through the aging process while living with younger members of the family. When children haven’t seen their older relatives for a while, the changes may be confusing and frustrating to them. Talk to your children about the affects the stroke has had on your father and the things he’s having trouble doing for himself now. Encourage them to think of ways they can contribute to making things more comfortable for their grandfather.

Talk to your children about the how aging changes our bodies and affects what we are able to do. As your son has found, hearing and understanding can be especially difficult for the elderly. If hearing is difficult for your father, let your children know they need to speak a little more slowly, and a little more loudly and be sure to face Grandpa when they talk. Let them know if he can hear better in one ear than the other.

He may not be as mobile as he was and will enjoy sitting and reading, talking or watching what’s going on around them – pastimes that don’t particularly appeal to youngsters. Children may not know what to talk about with elderly adults and they often can’t play with them as they can with their friends or parents. Sometimes kids need a little help. Encourage your children to talk to Grandpa about their friends, activities and interests. They can show photos of themselves at sports events if he’s not able to come and see them. Tell them some things you know about your father’s younger years that might be of interest to them. This will help them get a conversation started and your father may enjoy telling about his childhood stories or adventures he had as an adult.

Many adults remain active. For example gardening and walking are possible activities your children can be involved in with their grandfather. Think of the things he likes to do already and the ways each of you can help him. Perhaps your father is having trouble reading the paper and would appreciate a child reading some of it to him or summarizing the day’s events.

This may be a good time to let technology be your and Grandpa’s friend.  Perhaps the newspaper will be more readable with the zoom feature if reading it online.   Perhaps your kids can show Grandpa how they can download music of his era, whether it’s Glenn Miller, Lawrence Welk or Frank Sinatra, from the internet and make a CD or program an IPOD just for Grandpa.  With aging comes teachable moments, as well as bonding time, for all the generations involved!

Caring for an elderly parent who needs help with daily living can be difficult. Check local community groups that may have senior activities available. Your father may appreciate spending part of the day with others who have similar interests.

The most important thing to help your children understand is that, no matter what age, every family member needs help now and then. Encourage them to think of the many ways each family member has depended on others at various times. They needed lots of help and attention when they were babies. Now they need help with homework and getting ready for school. You need help from the family to do all that needs to be done around the house. And Grandpa needs help with some things too. Patience and understanding may be two things that he needs most of all.

PARENTLINE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS! 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.