ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Our daughter is entering the 7th grade and she is very afraid to go back to school.  She’s struggling with acceptance…feeling that she’s not a part of any of the groups of classmates that exist.    She’s also very self-conscious of her body and of course, of her acne.   There doesn’t seem to be anything about school starting up that she is looking forward to.  What can we do?  Signed, Concerned Mom in Claremont, NH

 

Yes, ParentLine can see the tears in your daughter’s eyes as she studies her young face in the mirror.  How well we remember our own discomfort during what felt like an eternal “Ugly Duckling” stage when hands, feet and stuff in between were either too big, too small, or a weird combination of both. 

You’re wise to be attentive to what’s happening in your daughter’s world as she struggles with both physical and emotional changes that are the hallmarks of adolescence. Right now and with sensitivity to how she’s feeling about herself, you must guide your little girl past the shoals of self-loathing that too often become entrenched during these formative years. Two of the most important attributes you must help your daughter foster in herself are self-confidence and esteem, zits notwithstanding.   Hard as it is at this time in a young person’s life to realize--and contrary to what our image-crazed society dictates--we really are much more than our bodies…which can  be beautiful in their uniqueness!

Because right now, she’s sure that beauty is skin deep (though you know better!), make an appointment with a doctor and have your daughter’s acne checked out.   Even though 85 percent of all teens—that’s 20 million nationwide—have acne, adolescent peer acceptance is still based on physical appearance and attractiveness. Is there any logic in the fact that the 15 percent of kids with no zits persecute the majority who do?

According to Neil Prose, MD, Duke University pediatric dermatologist at website www.dukehealth.org. “Acne can cause real scars—psychological and physical.  Yet acne is, by and large a very treatable disorder.  That’s why it’s essential that teens with acne be given an appropriate treatment regime—and get the encouragement and support to stick to it.”

Prose explains, “Teens struggling with acne are often laboring under some common misconceptions.  There’s a lot of mythology around acne.   The fact is, it has nothing to do with any particular food—such as chocolate or greasy foods—and it’s not caused by dirt.  It’s basically the result of hormonal changes that cause the production of oil and sebum in the skin. Pores will get clogged and then inflamed, causing acne pustules.”

Very mild acne, says Prose, can often be treated with over-the-counter preparations that contain benzyl peroxide.  Kids with moderate to severe acne will benefit from a dermatologist’s care.  These days, a dermatologist’s arsenal of acne treatments includes topical creams with antibacterial agents or other compounds that help unclog oil ducts, such as Retin A.”

Be aware, Mom, that the distress of acne can prompt depression.  Some of the signs of depression include:

  • Loss of appetite
  • Lethargy
  • Mood disturbance
  • Behavioral problems
  • Wakefulness
  • Spontaneous crying
  • Feelings of unworthiness

In teens, depression may show up as social withdrawal --- retreat to the bedroom or avoidance of peers or impaired school performance (lower grades or missed assignments). Worse still, severe depression from acne has resulted the youngster not wanting to exist anymore.  Worrying statements include “I don’t want to wake up in the morning. I’d be better off dead.  I’m worthless.  You’d be better off without me.” Parents, friends, and school counselors need to take heed when they start to hear these types of comments.

Find a way to talk to your daughter about the changes that are happening with her body.  If you haven’t started already, this is an excellent time to start giving her the information she needs about becoming a woman. This includes talking to her about sex.  As her role model, how you present your self as a woman, whether with self-esteem or self-consciousness, you are the person your daughter looks to for how to carry herself. 

The way you build your child’s self-confidence through a healthy, interactive and mutually respectful relationship with her; something you’ve been working on since early childhood but that now becomes super important.  An article titled, “Help Your Teen Build Healthy Self-Esteem,” found at http://www.essortment.com/family/helpteenbuild-sajc.htm, .offers the following ways you can help your daughter dismantle both fear and self-consciousness. 

  • Offer praise often. Kids need to know they’re doing something right!

  • Stay involved and be a pal.  Have fun together without surrendering your parental role.  Shoot hoops, go shopping.  Share activities that build bridges that will help you relate to each other during the trials and distance created by your daughter’s uncertainties and efforts to grow up.

  • Make suggestions.  If your daughter looks awful in black but wears it anyway, nicely share your opinion.  While she may tune you out more often than listen, at least she’ll know you notice and care.

 

Because real beauty and confidence come from within, help your daughter locate and build upon the point of power within herself that can’t be shattered by upsets of the outside world.  Ask your daughter, “If you could do anything, what would you really like to do?  Ride a horse? Learn to swim?  Dance?  Play rugby?”  While she sits in blank silence, twirling that strand of hair she grabs when she’s thinking, stay with her till she comes up with an answer.  “You’d like to build a wooden boat.  Great, let’s see who we can find to teach you how.” 

Commit to supporting her project.  Whatever it may be, her idea represents a phase of self-discovery.  When, after sanding planks for two days, she decides maybe she doesn’t want to build an ark after all, be present till she comes up with another project.  Be right there to tell her that people are allowed to try things and decide they don’t like whatever it is they thought, for whatever reason.  Until she finds the magic activity that she uses as a bridge over the troubled waters of teen-dom’s angst, stick around while she tries things on to be sure the identity she creates is a healthy one.  Once she finds her niche, help her learn about the kind of persistence and practice she needs to become her very own version of a Phenomenal Woman.  And, remind her often how proud you are of her.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.