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Dear ParentLine, Our daughter, age 17, has developed a drinking problem. It started with her sneaking a sip at a friend’s party and continued into sneaking off between classes at school to down a shot, and went into full-blown binge drinking, which we found out about on New Year’s Eve. We’ve tried to get her to do some counseling either by herself or with us (her family), but she won’t hear of it. Please, can you help? Signed CC and TR in the Seacoast

ParentLine’s concerned by the fact that you say your daughter has “developed” a drinking problem. This suggests that you’ve been aware of her involvement with alcohol and of her increased abuse of it over time. However, what do you mean when you say your daughter “won’t hear” of counseling? Since when is it OK for a child to refuse help if a parent deems it necessary, especially when it comes to substance abuse?

Have you sought help from trained professionals as to what to do about her unacceptable behavior? As her parents, have you set the standard for what constitutes acceptable behavior? When your daughter behaves in unacceptable ways, have you followed-up with consistent consequences for her failure to abide by the rules? What has your course of action been when she misses school? Have you sought help from her teachers or the guidance counselor? Further, at the tender age of 17, your daughter is a minor. This means it’s illegal for her to buy and possess alcohol. Who are her friends and how is she getting the stuff? Who’s chaperoning the parties if it’s not you?

Sadly, for a person with a drinking problem—especially a young person, denial plays a key role. One of the classic symptoms of alcoholism is that the person abusing alcohol doesn’t see that she has a problem. Because denial is difficult, if you and your daughter can agree on what constitutes acceptable behaviors (like attending all classes, staying in public places so she can’t sneak sips between classes, completing homework, and other school assignments), perhaps, she will come to see that she can’t stop sneaking alcohol. If she fails to meet all of your expectations, part of the plan would include her agreement to go to drug and alcohol counseling

A teen’s journey from a sip to full-blown binge-drinking is a cry for help. A report titled “Patterns of Alcohol Use Among Adolescents and Associations with Emotional and Behavioral Problems,”(http://alcoholism.about.com) published by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSA), concludes that there is a strong relationship between alcohol use among youth and many emotional and behavioral problems, including fighting, stealing, driving under the influence of alcohol and/of drugs, skipping school, feeling depressed, and deliberately trying to hurt or kill themselves.

According to Nelba Chavez, PhD, SAMSA administrator, “Underage drinking—even so-called light drinking—is dangerous, illegal, and must not be tolerated. This study points out that the effects of underage alcohol use extend far beyond ‘drinking and driving.’ Parents need to know that alcohol use can also be a warning sign or a cry for help that something is seriously wrong in a child’s life.” To help you help her, ParentLine urges you to contact any and all of the resources listed at the end of this article to help you get help for your daughter and yourself.

Beyond the fact that she may have started drinking because of an issue that up until now has not been addressed, at this point in her addiction, both you and your daughter need to get clear that alcohol dependence is a disease Unless she gets professional help to stop abusing, her young life is in danger. In the case of youth and alcohol, an event—and ParentLine hopes that this will not be a lethal event—creates a situation in which the person with the drinking problem will be forced to get help.

The experts at www.about.com, in an article titled Alcoholism and Substance Abuse, suggest that you don’t have to wait for a crisis in the form of a violent incident, medical emergency or an accident Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help a person with a drinking problem accept treatment.

Stop all “rescue missions.” Family members often try to protect an alcoholic from the result of his or her behavior by making excuses about his or her drinking and by getting him or her out of alcohol-related jams. It’s important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the person will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking, and thereby become more motivated to stop.
Time your intervention. Plan a talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred.
Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you.
State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences—not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking.
Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to the treatment program and/or AA meeting.
Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.
Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for significant adults in an alcoholic’s life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics.

Resources:

Child and Family Services’ Adolescent Substance Abuse Treatment program, 1-800-640-6486.

NH Alcoholics Anonymous Hotline: 1-800-593-3330

NH Department of Health and Human Services: 1-800-852-3345

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence: 1-800-622-2255

SAMSA’s National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information: 800-487-4889

In light of your current situation, you’ll be interested to know of a special free community forum for parents, titled “Where Do You Draw the Line: Setting Boundaries and Consequences for Adolescents.” Forums are being presented in your community and throughout New Hampshire at the beginning of February. For further information, visit www.cfsnh.org and click the button for “Substance Abuse Seminars.”

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.