ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

It’s time for another birthday party.  Our son is turning seven next month and he’s expecting something BIG.  But, last year, for his sixth birthday party, we had 12 boys over and six parents.  Two fights broke out—one between two parents and one between the boys, who were fighting over a toy.  Then, there’s the parent who sticks her nose into everything from how I should assign parental duties to where I should seat the boys around the table to setting limits on how much each person can spend on gifts.  It’s annoying and frustrating and yet, the birthday is supposed to be a joyous celebration for my son.  Any hints on how to make this a birthday bash instead of a birthday bust?  Signed, the G2-70 Family of Keene, NH

 

Gosh, ParentLine’s glad to have missed this cheery little shindig.  It sounds as though the only treat that was missing—besides the birthday song in 18 parts--was your neighbor complaining about the noise, and perhaps the dog upchucking a party hat on the living room rug. 

Your query sent ParentLine online to research “how to give a birthday party,” but we were struck by the dearth of information that might help you avoid future disasters like what passed for a “celebration” last year.  What’s missing seems to be practical parenting information that addresses your attitude and approach in working with your child before the party and then, in dealing with parents who, perhaps, have fuzzy ideas about what constitutes party manners, both for themselves and their spawn.  If your goal is to have a party that’s easy to manage and afford, here are some things to consider. 

For starters, do your self and your child a BIG favor by screening the guest list…of both kids and adults.  To allow friendships with kids raised by parents who either have no manners or fail to use them has a lot in common with a mud ball rolling downhill.  The situation won’t improve with time or overdoses of sugar.  As his parent, you get to guide your child in his (or her) selection of friends.  In fact, it’s your responsibility to help your child learn about what constitutes not only a good friend but also a good person.  Manners and the use of the same play an important part of being a good person and a good friend.  It’s never too early to teach your child this lesson.

While we’re talking about courtesy, use the discussions you and your son have about his up-coming party as a time to talk about good manners, how he can make his guests feel comfortable, and the how to express gratitude when he receives a gift.  To avoid the “fight over a toy” as happened at your last party, you may opt to have your son open his presents at a later time.  Keep a list of who brought what so your son can write a little thank-you note.

When it comes to the number of guests, remember this rule.  Have only as many kids as the number of years your child is old.  That would be seven, right?  Seven 7-year-old boys in one time at one place with proper adult ratio (say, two kids for each adult present) sounds doable.  If folks fail to RSVP, don’t be shy about calling and asking if the kid is coming. You may gain insight about the “manners quotient” of the children of parents who flunk this common courtesy test.  Also, be clear in your invitation with regard to how long the party will be (an hour is long enough) and what your expectations are for parental attendance.

To avoid the situation you had last year with the mom who wanted to run your show, you can let parents know ahead of time that you will have an adequate number of family and/or friends to chaperone the event.  If a parent does insist upon staying, be clear about what you would like him or her to do.  If you do find yourself in the same dynamic with a parent as last year, remember it’s your party.  You can say something like, “Thanks for your offer to blow out the candles, but I have things under control,” and station her at the sink with the dishes or tell her that you insist that all guests relax and enjoy and NOT have to worry about a thing.  With luck, she’ll get the idea and make like wallpaper.

Talk with your son about his “expectations.”  If you haven’t already done so—and it sounds as though you haven’t—help him to see that “disappointment” follows “expectation:” The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment.  The sooner your child learns this, the happier he’ll be.  At seven, to allow him to expect something BIG for his birthday, and then tie yourself in a knot over how you are going to fulfill whatever he has in his little head that “BIG” looks like, is to set him up for huge disappointment, and you for a feeling of inadequacy. 

Before you sit down with your son and involve him in making the party plans, set a budget and make up your mind that you’re going to stick to it.  Forget about keeping up with the Joneses down the street who had a mini-circus for their child’s birthday.  When ParentLine hears about these extravaganzas, we’re sad for the children.  In the same way too much ice cream makes a person sick, too much materialism creates an illness that eventually replaces that which brings genuine happiness.

In a society where the focus is on “things” rather than the more precious values that endure beyond the shiny truck or computer game, ParentLine dares you to take a stand. The BIG thing you might do for your son this year might be to give him a party that’s less about Do-ing and more about Be-ing.  Rather than you jumping through ever more expensive hoops to entertain your son and his pals, find activities that call upon, challenge and channel their creative energies and their imaginations.

Rather than the “theme” parties built around whatever commercialized creature is now being force-fed into children’s collective consciousness, think outside the box.  ParentLine’s convinced that folks “purchase” party theme stuff because they’re too rushed to explore more creative ideas about how to have a birthday party.  The bottom line here is to find ways to tell your little boy that you and his friends are glad he’s on the planet.  In the end, there is no more meaningful gift we can give one another than our presence (rather than “presents!”), our time and attention, and our love and friendship.  As you go forward in making up this year’s party, please keep these things foremost in your mind.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.