ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, My 18-month old daughter has always played well with other children, but last week at play group, she bit the boy next to her.  He kept crying, his mother was furious, and I was mortified.   I didn’t know what to do.  I want her to play with other children, but now I’m scared this will happen again.  What can I do?  Signed, Mother of Chomper, in Chester, NH

 

Poor Mom! Of course you’d rather your daughter tried out her two front teeth on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich than on her little play pal.   Sure, kids who bite aren’t fun to be around, but physical restraint or retaliation is never the answer. Though statistics are little comfort to you right now, The National Association for the Education of Young Children estimates that one out of ten toddlers/2-year-olds engages in biting behaviors.  While your daughter’s behavior may not be abnormal, it’s not acceptable to other kids and their parents

In an article titled, Dealing with Biting Behaviors in Young Children, Ron Banks and Sojin Yi. (http://ceep.crc.uiuncedu) suggest that biting may be a normal developmental phase for infants and toddlers, with virtually no long lasting developmental significance.  Once a child turns three years old, however, biting may indicate other behavioral problems, especially if the biting incidents are frequent.  Because of the developmental nature of most biting, experts stress that biting is not something to blame on the child, parents, or teachers.

The Illinois Early Learning Project (www.illinoisearlylearning.org) offers a tip sheet titled Play Right—Don’t Bite!  Here are some of the reasons children bite:

  • Infants probably bite as a way to explore objects, experiment, express excitement or relieve teething pain.
  • Toddlers are the most frequent biters.  Toddlers may bite to express frustration before they have words to express their feelings.  They also bite to get attention, to control a situation or to imitate others who bite.
  • Preschoolers bite as self-defense or to express anger or frustration.  However, by the age of three, most children can communicate their feelings and needs without biting.  Frequent biting by a child over three may signal a serious behavior problem.  Parents should discuss the behavior with the child’s health care provider or a counselor.

 

To help you figure out what may be going on with your daughter, the experts suggests that a child is more likely to bite when:

  • there is a poor match with the environment (for example, it is too boring, challenging, or regimented)
  • she feels crowded or is competing with other children for toys, attention, or space
  • she is hungry, tired, or ill
  • there are stressful circumstances in her life (such as a move, illness, or divorce)

No matter why your child bites, let her know immediately that biting isn’t allowed.  Remain calm as you separate her jaws and separate her from the victim.  If you are the victim, place her down.  Move her from the area where the biting occurred.  Look into her eyes as you sternly say, “No biting.  You hurt John when you bit him.”

Attend to the bitten child with a soothing voice while treating his injury.  Wash the area with antiseptic and apply a cold compress, if necessary.  If the bite is severe or causes sustained swelling, redness, or pain, call a physician.  

Remember that the goal of discipline is to teach children how they should behave.  It may be tempting to yell at, lecture, or even inflict pain on a biter. But too much attention, even in the form of a well-intentioned lecture or scolding, can actually be rewarding. 

Never bite back.  Children learn from adults, so your behavior sends the message that biting is okay. In addition, infants and toddlers are unable to understand that the pain they feel is similar to the pain they inflicted.

Your daughter may never bite again.  But even if she bites repeatedly before finally passing through this phase, don’t despair.  Respond each time in a calm, consistent manner, and your child will soon understand that biting is not allowed.  In the meantime, keep a close eye on her and step in before she chomps.

Observe your daughter to determine what triggers the biting.  Does she bite at certain times and places or in certain situations?  Once you see a pattern, a solution may be clear.  

Experts at The Illinois Early Learning Project urge parents not to label a child as a biter.  Watch for positive behavior and reward it with your attention.  Make sure that your daughter’s routine allows for adequate rest, food, and drink.  Avoid overcrowding toddlers and include structured as well as unstructured activities.  Help the child deal with stress.  Teachers and parents can work together to reassure a child whose family is experiencing a major change.  Encourage her to express feelings in words, through art, or through positive physical activity.

Other suggestions that may also help are as follows:

  • If your child is teething, supply teething rings and other safe, chewable toys.
  • Give your child plenty of time to explore, both indoors and outdoors. 
  • Buy toys that help your child learn about cause and effect.
  • Make sure that your environment is interesting, but not overwhelming. 
  • Your toddler wants to feel powerful, so let her make developmentally appropriate choices: an apple or orange, a red or blue shirt.
  • As your child grows, prevent frustrations by teaching skills such as getting dressed.
  • Never pretend to bite your child’s fingers and toes.  She may not understand why she can’t bite, too.

To help child care providers communicate with parents of children who bite, The Illinois Early Learning Project suggests:

  • Chart incidents of biting and inform the parent of each of the children involved.  Confidentiality should be maintained so the identity of one child involved isn’t revealed to parents of another.

  • Let parents know what steps teachers are taking to ensure the safety of all the children.

  • Work with the parents of the child who bites to provide consistent responses to biting at home or at child care.

  • Be sure all parent are aware of policies of a child care provider has related to biting or other aggressive behavior.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.