ParentLine

 

Dear ParentLine,

I recently found out that I have breast cancer.  My husband has been terrific and I have a wonderful support group of friends and family around me.  The dilemma is how do we tell our kids?  Our son is 13 and our daughter is 9.  My son’s best friend just lost his mom last year to cancer and I don’t want him worrying that I will suffer the same fate.  I will have to go through rounds of treatment—chemo, reconstruction, etc.—and there’s no way that I can keep all that a secret from our kids.  We are going to fight this and I plan to be around to dance at both kids’ weddings.  Please help. 

Signed, Alive and Mothering in Merrimack County, NH.

 

 

ParentLine cheers your decision to do your own special version of Dancing with the Stars.  And, corny as this analogy is, just like those dancers we watched for weeks on end, you and your husband will need to be a team, to have a plan, and to feel support from the sidelines. For sure, there’s no tougher job than to take care of your self and a family when you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer.  The good news here is that you’ve got help and hope.

 

You’re right.  There’s no way to keep what’s going on a “secret” from your kids, nor should you.  Cancer is no secret.  If you treat it as one, your children may feel that whatever’s happening to you is too terrible to deal with openly and they may feel an exaggerated sense of fear as a result of this secrecy.  If you and your husband are vague about what’s happening or it looks as though you’re trying to hide something, not only will you damage the trust that exists between you and your children, but also your kids will find it hard to believe what you do share with them. For this reason, it’s very important to be open and to talk to your children about the changes both you and they will face as you deal with your cancer.

 

This is true for your adolescent son and especially since his best friend lost his mom to cancer!   Guys being guys and working to achieve that whole strong, silent, keep-feelings-to-themselves thing, don’t wait for your son to articulate how frightened he may feel once he’s aware that you’ve got the same disease that took his best friend’s mom. Help your boy grow into a strong, sensitive man like his dad is.  To do this, both you and your husband will need to talk with and listen to your son often as all you work through the phases of your treatment and recovery together. 

 

To help you help your children, ParentLine visited www.breastcancer.org and found the following material from the Ask-the-Expert Conference: Kids and Mom’s Breast Cancer. The following suggestions come from guest speaker Joan Hermann, LSW, Director of Social Work Services at Fox Chase Cancer Center, Philadelphia, PA and Dr. Marisa Weiss, president and co-founder of breastcancer.org, and author of the book, “Living Beyond Breast Cancer.”

 

Keep in mind that how and what you tell each child depends upon his or her age, developmental stage and level of maturity.  These experts suggest that all children need to know basic information such as the name of the cancer; the part of the body where the cancer is; what will happen in terms of treatment; what side effects they may see (such as hair loss) or notice in their mom’s behavior (such as nausea or fatigue); how their own lives will be affected (new care-takers); and that they will be taken care of, no matter what happens.

 

Beyond the basics, the experts advise that you tailor your answers so they are appropriate for the child’s age.  According to Hermann and Weiss, the following statements about cancer will help reassure younger children:

  • “The doctors have told us that no one can cause someone else to get cancer.  It’s nothing that any of us had anything to do with.”

  • “Cancer is a different kind of illness from a cold or measles.  You don’t have to worry that someone passed it on to mom or that you will get it also.”

  • “It would be very unusual or unlikely for daddy to get cancer, too.”

  • Years ago, people often died from cancer because doctors didn’t know much about how to treat it.  Today, lots of women live long, healthy lives after treatment for breast cancer.’

  • “There might be times when I will need to cry, because I’m feeling bad and it helps me to feel better.  If I cry, I will always stop and it doesn’t mean that anything is worse.”

 

Help older children (ages 12 and up) understand chemotherapy and side effects.  Other special needs of teens include:

  • Check in regularly about how they are doing with added responsibilities (household chores, babysitting, younger siblings, etc.)

  • Acknowledge and praise their extra efforts to help the family.

  • Be sure they have time for school work and friends.

  • Ask if their friends are withdrawing or asking uncomfortable questions.

  • Reassure them that nothing they did ‘caused’ the cancer.

  • Help teenage girls with information if they are worried about their breast cancer risk.

  • Look for teen support groups for youngsters who seem especially worried or unable to talk to you.

 

Hermann and Weiss further suggest that to help children feel good in this difficult situation, find something in which your kids have a choice about, such as, “Who would you like to have meet the school bus?” or “What would you like to wear when you go to a neighbor’s after school?”  Don’t try to spend endless time negotiating over things that can’t be changed.  Sometimes, that’s just the way things have to be at the moment.  A child isn’t expected to like it when routines are disrupted.   Adults don’t like it either.  Parents can acknowledge this to their child, along with the fact that the child has a right to feel angry and upset right now.

 

As you proceed through this chapter in the life of your family, for all of your sakes, find ways to stay involved with one another.  Do whatever you can to spend time with your children, even when you have low energy or feel sick.  The message you want to send is that you are still in charge of what is going on in their lives and that you care and are staying involved.  Besides talking with them and helping them deal with their feelings about what is happening to you and to them because of your illness, www.breastcancer.org  suggests some activities:

  • Read a book together; have an older child read to you.

  • Play board or card games.

  • Do a puzzle.

  • Sit with younger children while they color or build with blocks or make crafts

  • Play a computer game

  • Watch TV or a video together

 

For more information, contact:

 

The American Cancer Society: 1-800-227-2345, www.cancer.org

The National Cancer Institute:  1-800-422-6237, www.cancer.gov

www.Breastcancer.org

 

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.