ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, We are very concerned about our 13-year-old son.  He is very bossy and on the brink of becoming a bully.  We’ve seen him push his friends, his brother AND sister, and threaten his school chums using blackmail, bribery, and the threat of bodily harm or some other ominous thing like “You  won’t do that if you value your life!”  We are dumbfounded.  We try to do all the right things raising our three kids and have NEVER used physical punishment with them.  We treat them fairly and respectfully and try to fulfill all their needs.  What can we do to “de-bully” him?  Signed, Almost Perfect Protective Parents in Rockingham County, NH

Even “almost-perfect” parents find that a child raised in an “almost perfect” environment can have problems. To be sure, one of the toughest things parents face is to figure out what makes their kid tick.  Or, in your case, what makes your boy act in the way he’s acting! Good for you for your concern over your son’s behavior and your willingness to seek help.  It’s important to deal with what’s going on right away.  If your son’s bullying behavior--physical and/or verbal-- isn’t stopped, chances are it will lead to more aggressive, antisocial behavior.

In an article titled, “Help! My Child is a Bully!” (www.kidsgoals.com), the authors advise that the most important thing to do as you seek ways to help your child is to stay calm, face the facts, and gather as much information as possible, while taking this time to fully understand what’s going on.  Then, you must formulate the best possible reaction.  Here are some suggestions as to what to do first:

• Defuse the situation if you can.  If the person telling you that your child is a bully is another parent, and is very upset, it’s important that you remain calm and try to get the other party to discuss the issue with you rationally.
• Take deep breaths and keep an open mind.  As a reasonable parent, you need to understand the situation from the point of view of everyone involved—especially from the point of view of your own child.  Most bullying stems from insecurity or unhappiness.
• Formulate some kind of plan before you open the subject with your child. 

The experts at The Nemours Foundation (www.kidshealth.com), offer suggestions to help you understand bullying behavior in an article titled, “Teaching Kids Not to Bully,” They say that a child bullies for many reasons.  They suggest, “Some bully because they feel insecure.  Picking on someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker provides a feeling of being more important, popular, or in control.  In other cases, kids bully because they simply don’t know that it’s unacceptable to pick on kids who are different because of size, looks, race or religion.”

These experts suggest that some cases of bullying are part of an ongoing pattern of defiant or aggressive behavior.  These children will need help to learn to manage anger, hurt feelings and frustration, or other strong emotions.  Further, some kids who bully in school and in settings with their peers are copying the behavior they see at home.  Kids who are exposed to aggressive or unkind interactions in the family often learn to treat others in the same way.  Kids who are on the receiving end of taunting learn that bullying can translate into control over other children.  Here are some suggestions to help your child stop bullying:

• Take bullying seriously. Make sure your kids understand that you will not tolerate bullying at home or anywhere else. 
• Establish rules about bullying and stick to them. If you punish your child by taking away privileges, be sure it’s meaningful. If your child acts aggressively at home, with siblings or others, put a stop to it. 
• Teach more appropriate (and nonviolent) ways to react, like walking away.

To help you help your child, Carol E. Watkins, M.D. (www.ncpamd.com), in an article titled, “Dealing with Bullies and How Not to be One,” suggests, “Supervise your child more closely when he plays.  You may need to insist that he play where you or another parent can see him.  If the bullying occurs on the way to or from school, he should be driven or should go directly to school.  If he is an adolescent, you may need to put the brakes on certain unsupervised activities.”

Watkins advises that you need to find out as much as you can about the extent and nature of his or her activities.  Protect your child by seeing that his victim is protected.  If necessary, restrict your child from going near his victim.  Cooperate with teachers and other parents in monitoring your child’s activities.  Make sure that you are reasonable and want to be involved.  Ask them to report back to you if your child resumes any form of intimidation. 

It is important to talk to your child about alternatives to violent or socially intimidating behavior. Let him see the benefits of pro-social, positive and compassionate behaviors and praise him in those times. Model creative ways of dealing with troubling situations from which your child can learn. 

“Make sure that he or she understands the personal impact that the bullying can have on the victim,” Watkins says. “Make sure that your child apologizes and makes meaningful reparations.  If material objects have been stolen or destroyed, your child must pay for them.  If he or she cannot do so, you should pay and then insist that he or she work off the payments over time.”

According to Watkins, you and your child should try to understand why he has the need to intimidate others.  You should start an ongoing dialogue.  In some cases, your child may have too much anger, impulsivity, or depression that you cannot handle alone.  In this case, you should seek professional help.   Call the number at the end of this article to get connected with a qualified professional in your area.

The Nemours Foundation experts suggest that you talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and other school officials who can help you identify situations that lead to bullying and provide assistance.  And, as difficult and frustrating as it can be to help kids stop bullying, remember that bad behavior won’t just stop on its own.  Think about how you want your son to be received—both at home and at school—and over the course of his life, and help him achieve kinder, gentler and more effective ways of behaving.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.