ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Our son, age 14, does not play fair.  He cheats at sports, on tests, and in his homework.  We’ve tried to teach him all the virtues of honesty and integrity—of doing for himself and being fair and trustworthy.  He just keeps doing it.  In football, we saw him commit a penalty by deliberately holding another player and denying it left and right.  Then, he helped to steal another team’s game plan (sound familiar—gee, wonder where he got that idea?).  It may be good enough for the NFL but not for our son.  It seems that he’s a cross between being fearful of losing, lazy about winning through hard work, and crazy about getting kudos and attention for making a winning play.  Please, can you help us turn this bad, cheating behavior around? 

Signed, Let’s Play Fair in Lebanon, NH

 

For a moment, step outside the of the “cheat ‘em & beat ‘em” mentality that runs rampant in sports, corporations, and politics and seems rife in our society.   Wasn’t it a “kinder” and “gentler” time when kids learned about the virtues of little George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, or a young but Honest Abe Lincoln, who walked miles to repay a customer he’d overcharged?  

 

ParentLine hasn’t gone “Pollyanna” on you.  Naïve as it seems today, we believe that those age-old history lessons exemplified qualities to which we ought to aspire.  Even though much in our present culture suggests otherwise, does “doing the right thing” really ever go out of fashion?  If we kid ourselves into thinking that such virtues as truth, honesty, and fair play are passe, then how does one account for the success story of a young man named Harry Potter, who could have gone to the dark side but made the infinitely more difficult choice of good over evil, over and over again?  What is it about the character of this figment of J.R. Rowling’s imagination that strikes such resonance in the hearts and minds of millions of readers the world over?  Could it be that, deep down and no matter what appearances suggest, we believe good triumphs over evil?

 

David Callaghan, author of the book “The Cheating Culture,” writes in an article titled, “Cheating Our Way to the Top,” (www.cheatingculture.com), “To be sure, the winner-take-all aspects of our economy and culture inspire great striving and the pursuit of excellence.  But they also bring out the worst in people, producing envy, cheating and cutthroat behavior.  These problems—the downsides of America’s current brand of extreme capitalism—deserve more attention in the national debate about “values.”

 

Parents who wish to instill strong personal values in their children find themselves swimming against an unfortunate current. You may set high standards for fair play within the confines of your family, but what happens when your child steps out into the world?  What happens to the rules “out there?” 

 

Callaghan suggests that recent news of tax evasion, rampant corporate accounting fraud and academic dishonesty, which we find puts schools in the awkward position of getting  caught in the crossfire between policing and punishing students, creates a strong counter current.

 

Do folks like those of who believe in the good give up?  Not hardly.  Callaghan observes that if the pattern of history holds, this era of greed and social Darwinism is likely to be followed by a new emphasis on equality and community, values that foster honest and healthy competition.  In the meantime, there are plenty of practical reforms that can help keep people honest.  ParentLine submits that these reforms start at home.  Your son may be headed in an unfortunate direction but with firm and consistent intervention made by loving parents, you can get him back on track.  No matter what’s happening outside your front door, you get to set and enforce the rules by which you believe your child ought to live.

 

Susan Swanwick, LICSW and family therapist with Child and Family Services, suggests, “As parents, it’s hard to accept that we can’t make our children behave in ways we want them to behave.  We can have conversations with them about what we like and don’t like, try to work it into things the child likes to do—sports, etc.  The recent scandal with the Patriot’s coach is a good example.  Ask your son things like, ‘Was it fair for the team to cheat?’  Doesn’t the team seem able to win without cheating?  Is it better to win on your own merits and hard work, or is it OK to win through cheating--or having people suspect you’ve cheated—is that the same kind of victory?’”   

 

Discussing values that differ may be hard, Swanwick says, “but try to talk together without putting your son down.  Share your concerns that he may not be achieving all he can by shirking hard work and being honest in all his endeavors.  He may have to find out the hard way if he gets caught and has to pay a penalty of some sort.  At this point, avoid saying ‘I told you so,’ as that would end the conversation about his cheating.  Try allowing him to tell you first-hand what he’s feeling.  See if he ‘gets’ what you have tried to tell him about cheaters never really winning and that hard work really does pay off.  Ask him what he’s learned.  Share your concerns that you’re afraid that he hasn’t learned his lesson yet.  Kids need a safety net around them but still fall sometimes.  Hopefully, the falls your son makes now will result in not making the same falls as a grown-up.”

 

Carleton Kendrick, author of an article titled, “Teaching Good Sportsmanship,’ offers the following for parents, teachers, and coaches to offset the “win-at-all-costs” philosophy that pervades our culture.

• Be your child’s role model.  Offer praise and encouraging words for all athletes, including your child’s opponents.  Never openly belittle, tease, or demean any child athlete, coach, or referee while attending a sporting event.  When attending athletic events or watching them on TV with your child, refrain from criticizing or condemning athletes’ performances.
• Do you have a hidden agenda?  Be honest with your self about why you want your child to play organized sports.  A child’s participation in sports and the importance attached to it should not be driven by a parent’s desire to use her child’s sports accomplishments for ulterior purposes. 
• You set the rules. It’s ultimately your responsibility to teach your children good sportsmanship, both as a participant and as a spectator. If you observe your child engaged in poor sportsmanship, regardless of whether his coach corrects him or not, you must discuss your child’s misbehavior and insensitivity with him after the game.

 

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.