Dating: Age difference

Dear ParentLine,

Our son, age 17, is interested in dating a 14-year-old girl. She seems very mature, but we think she’s too young for him and we are afraid of letting him get too serious about her. Hormones are raging and of course, BOTH of them are very aware of sex. It’s in all the concerts they see and all the videos they watch! After age 20, a three year difference in age hardly seems to matter, but at this age, the difference is huge. She’s only in junior high school and he’s getting ready to go to college! How can we turn him around and smarten him up?

Signed, Wise Old Souls in Southern NH

The fact of life in this situation is simple. Without constant parental guidance and supervision, teens—no matter how mature they may seem—are at the mercy of their hormones. Bear in mind that because the hormone flood that a young adolescent experiences is a very normal part of his or her development. Although you see the potential dangers that exist if this tryst is allowed, your son and his Lady Love are truly blind. By the way, where are HER parents and how come they allow her to go out with an older boy?

An article by Julie Baumgardner, titled Parenting Your Teen: Dating Dos and Don’ts for Teens, informs parents of the exact danger a youngster faces as he or she thinks about dating. Baumgardner tells the story of a mom talking with her 8-year-old daughter about her day at school when the daughter revealed she had a boyfriend. The mom told her daughter that she was too young to have a boyfriend, that she should have lots of boys as friends at her age. The little girl sighed and said, “I know, but when I’m 14, I’ll be old enough to date.” The mom was surprised by the comment and asked her daughter what you do on a date. With no hesitation, the daughter said, “You have sex..” The shocked mom asked, “Where did you hear that?” The little girl told her mom that she’d heard it at school from her friends who heard it from their older siblings.

Baumgardner states that studies show that teens crave intimacy and adolescents are beginning to date at earlier ages. Today, the average age for a person to begin dating is 13. Research has shown that serious adolescent relationships before either partner is emotionally mature can have detrimental effects for identity formation and even life and health.

Susan Swanwick, LICSW and Child and Family Services’ family therapist says, “This situation could lead to serious problems when your son turns 18 and the girl is still a minor. A sexual relationship is out of the question. Their age differences are important enough that each needs the time to grow in ways that may separate them or bring them closer together. Can he allow the thought that at school she will talk with guys and can she do the same, knowing he is interacting with peers his own age right now in high school, but also when he’s away at college? What does a relationship mean to him? How does he handle his emotions when his hormones are in the forefront? Talking with your son is key as is listening to his thoughts, feelings and desires.”

It is critical to use plain language in explaining exactly what the consequences of a sexual relationship and of pregnancy could be. The realities of such are quite frightening for anyone, but especially for youngsters who are not economically, emotionally, socially or mentally ready. If your son persists, however, you may have to resort to a bit of reverse psychology. Set the rule that if he wants to socialize with this young lady, you and your spouse will be his present. When they go out, pick up Lady Love as a threesome. As a foursome, go to dinner, the movies or the dance at school. Include the girl in family gatherings. Be sure, however, that the two of them are never alone together. The idea is that your son gets to see how this much younger person reacts in social situations. With any luck at all, he’ll see her immaturity and lose interest. When she becomes best friends with his younger siblings, that may end things in a heartbeat.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has reviewed recent research about parental influences on children’s sexual behavior and talked to many experts in the field, as well as to teens and parents themselves. From these sources, it’s clear that there’s much parents and adults can do to reduce the risk of kids becoming pregnant before they’ve grown up. Here are some suggestions:

Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.
Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents.
Know your children’s friends and their families.
Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating.
Take a stand against your daughter dating a boy who is significantly older than she is. And don’t allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is.
Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood.
Let your kids know that you value education highly.
Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to.
The tips above will help your children avoid teen pregnancy if they occur as part of a strong, close relationship with your children that is built from an early age.

The campaign research advises parents to make boys and young men part of the equation. A majority of teens believe that boys often receive the message that sex and pregnancy are not a big deal. This suggests a “double standard” – one that encourages girls to abstain from sex while offering teen boys a wink and a nod. As a parent concerned about the possibility of adolescent pregnancy, you must be direct with your male child about respect for girls and women, responsibility, and the standards of behavior you expect.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.