ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

A father we know of is very mean to his son.  We’ve never noticed any physical signs of abuse, but we hear him berate his son in public…calling him ‘stupid.’  We even heard him say to his son, “Well, maybe if you didn’t act like such a jerk, the kids would invite you to play kickball.”  We KNOW that this is very hurtful to (Bobby) and we don’t know what to do except to offer some encouraging words when he comes to our house.  Isn’t what (Bobby’s) dad is doing emotional abuse?  What can be done about that? 

Signed, Concerned in Carroll County

 

The encouragement and kindness you show this child may well be his saving grace.

Children need to be loved and nurtured.  To replace such vital nutrients with the cruelty to which this child is subjected is tantamount to physical and/or sexual abuse and must be addressed.   Because the effects of emotional abuse have only recently been recognized, there are no consistent definitions of it because it is difficult to define, detect, assess, and substantiate.  Tragically, many cases of emotional abuse go unreported.   The tragedy beyond unreported emotional abuse lies in the extent of the damage it causes. 

Barry Lipton, PhD, cell biology researcher and pioneer in the field of the New Biology, writes in his book, The Biology of Belief, “In humans, the fundamental behaviors, beliefs and attitudes we observe in our parents become ‘hard wired’ as synaptic pathways in our subconscious minds.  Once programmed into the subconscious mind, they control our biology for the rest of our lives…unless we can figure out a way to reprogram them.”

 

Lipton continues, “Imagine the consequences of hearing your parents say you are a ‘stupid child.’ When unthinking or uncaring parents pass on those messages to their young children, they are no doubt oblivious to the fact that such comments are downloaded into the subconscious memory as absolute ‘facts,’ just as surely as bits and bytes are downloaded to the hard drive of your desktop computer.  During early development, the child’s consciousness has not evolved enough to critically assess that these parental pronouncements were only verbal barbs and not necessarily true characterizations of ‘self.’  Once programmed into the subconscious mind, however, these verbal abuses become defined as ‘truths’ that unconsciously shape the behavior and potential of the child through life.”

According to the National Exchange Club Foundation (www.preventchildabuse.com), emotional abuse is commonly defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being.  It is considered a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with a child’s positive development.  Emotional abuse is probably the least understood of all child abuse, yet it is the most prevalent, and can be as cruel and destructive as any other type of abuse.

These experts describe the following as types of emotional abuse:

• Rejecting: Parents who lack the ability to bend will often display rejecting behavior toward a child.  They tell a child in a variety of ways that he or she is unwanted. The child may become the family scapegoat.
• Ignoring: Adults who have had few of their emotional needs met are often unable to respond to the needs of their children.  They may or may not show attachment to their child.  The parent may be physically present but emotionally unavailable.
• Terrorizing:  Parents may single out one child to criticize and punish.  They may ridicule him or her for displaying normal emotions and have expectations far beyond his or her normal abilities. The child may be threatened with death, mutilation or abandonment.
• Isolating:  A parent who abuses a child through isolation may not allow the child to engage in appropriate activities with his or her peers; may keep a baby in his or her exposed to stimulation, or may prevent teens from participating in extracurricular activities.
• Corrupting:  When parents permit children to use drugs or alcohol; to watch cruel behavior toward animals; to watch pornographic materials and adult sex acts; who witness or participate in criminal activities such as stealing, prostitution, gambling, etc.

Still other experts at Safe Child (www.SafeChild.org), suggest the following as observable indicators of emotional abuse:

•     Child rocks, sucks, bites self
•     Is inappropriately aggressive or destructive to others
•     Suffers from sleep, eating, or speech disorders
•     Restricts play activities or experiences
•     Demonstrates compulsions, obsessions, phobias, hysterical outbursts
•     Has nightmares and/or irrational fears
•     Shows delayed physical or emotional development
•     Displays extremely withdrawn or aggressive behavior

Please note that it’s important that just because a child displays any of these behaviors, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the child is a victim of mental or emotional abuse.  There could be other underlying factors or conditions resulting in such behaviors.

Susan Jacoby, in an article titled “Emotional Child Abuse: The Invisible Plague,” says, “Emotional abusers are prompted not by children’s misbehavior, but by their own psychological problems.  Whether abusive parents come from low-income or affluent families, they are usually people who received inadequate love and nurturing from their own parents.  Nearly all are unable to see that a child’s behavior may not be related to anything the parent has done or failed to do.  An abusive parent may feel, for instance, that an infant is crying not as an expression of hunger or fear, but because the baby is “bad” or “out to get me.”

Jacoby offers the following questions to parents to ask themselves to determine whether a parent might be capable of emotional abuse:

• Am I constantly angry at my child?

 

• Do I see characteristics in my child that remind me of how much I dislike someone else in my family?

 

• Do I compare my child unfavorably with other people’s children?  With their brothers and sisters?

 

• Am I indifferent when someone else praises my child?

 

• Do I often feel ashamed of my child?

 

 

Jacoby says that if you answer “yes” to these questions, you may need professional help. To get help, use the following resource list or contact Child and Family Services.

To report child abuse, call the Department of Children, Youth and Families (DCYF), 1-800-894-5533 or phone the local police.

 

For information about child abuse and what can be done to prevent it, visit the following web sites:

Prevent Child Abuse America at www.preventchildabuse.org

National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect / Child Welfare Information Gateway at http://www.childwelfare.gov

Child and Family Services at www.cfsnh.org.

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.