Family Fighting

Dear ParentLine,

We have a big communication problem in our family. The kids won’t listen to us (parents). We don’t agree with everything they seem to want to do, wear, buy, etc. We don’t understand most of their new language…sounds like they’re speaking in code to us old fogies. When did “hook up” come to mean “have sex: instead of just “get together?” We are always fighting. We can’t seem to go out in public together without making a scene. Even my husband and I are fighting a lot and always disagree on everything from sitting down to dinner together to what to watch on TV to who’s responsible for picking up around the house. I think we need family counseling. What do you think?

Signed, At Wit’s End in Wolfeboro.

Whoa! A time-out’s in order for the Bickerson Bunch. Please stop for a moment and consider this. When there’s more than one person involved, conflict‘s an inevitable part of relationship but fighting isn’t. Granted, we live in a world that’s long forgotten the value of civility in word and deed. Yes, each day radio and TV news and talk show hosts and their guests stoop to new examples of rude and contentious behavior. Yes, it’s tough to swim against the tide in such times. And, yes, your family could benefit from family therapy to help each of you learn new ways to communicate with one another. The bottom line is that courtesy is a conscious choice. Positive conflict resolution is, too. You, as parents, are the role models.

Susan Swanwick, LICSW and Child and Family Services family therapist, says, “Parents need to talk together about what you are modeling for your children in terms of how people discuss differences. You two may not always agree, but how do you disagree? Is it with respect (words, tone of voice), is it kept on the specific subject, or are other sore topics brought into the discussion? Are you two taking turns listening and talking?”

Author Kathleen Finnegan, MA LPC, (http://family-marriage-counselling.com) in her article The Good Fight: Showing Children How to Fight Fair, asks, “What is a ‘good fight’ for children and parents? When is it productive with a positive outcome? Watching parents argue can be scary for children, but seeing them resolve their differences in positive ways can offer a great deal of security, if children can learn that couples and families can stay together, even through heated times. As individuals, they will be able to assert themselves with their peers, as partners, they will know they can disagree about something and continue to love one another.”

Finnegan continues, “Conflict happens in the world and is realistic in relationship. It is important to teach children about anger. Children witness violence in life and through the media several times a day. Through witnessing ‘the good fight,” children can learn it’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hurt someone. They can learn self calming techniques and communicate angry feelings in a positive way. They can see the regards of problem solving and most importantly, learn how to remove themselves from a violent situation.” Finnegan offers the following guidelines for arguing in front of children.

Do sit down with your partner, during peaceful times, and talk about how you want to handle disagreements.
Do take some time to determine the following five things when you begin to experience hurt or angry feelings: What just happened? How do I feel about it? Do I need to do or say anything about it? If so, what do I need to do or say? Do I need to schedule a time to talk?
Don’t argue about the kids or finances. Children will feel responsible or frightened about being impoverished.
Do express yourself using “I” statements such as, “I felt scared when you said you were leaving. I thought you might not come back,” or “I felt unappreciated when you didn’t comment on the dinner I prepared,” or “I feel angry when you follow me around when I say I want some space.”
Don’t continue the argument when blaming takes over.
Do listen to one another and, to prevent making assumptions about what the person meant, clarify to your partner what you heard he or she said before reacting.
Don’t continue the fight when you see the children are getting stressed, are trying to break it up directly or acting out.
Don’t end the fight without the children see you come to some kind of agreement, even if it means continuing the argument at a later time.
Do let the children see you make up.
Don’t argue loudly in the same room as infants and toddlers.

Finnegan concludes that what kids can learn from conflict handled in a positive way is priceless. Handled well, positive conflict resolution means greater understanding, appreciation and respect for one’s self and for others.

Author Naomi Drew, MA, (www.newsforparents.org) in an article titled “My Kids are Always Fighting!” offers a step-by-step plan to help familial peace to ripple to the kids.

Look for patterns. Keep observing and writing down what you see. Keep a log and after each fight, jot down the time of day, setting and circumstances. Do the fights tend to take place when the kids are tired or hungry or when they’re I the car?
Observe your own behavior
Look for root causes.
Talk to each child privately.
Take responsibility for your role.
Start spending “sacred time’ with each kid.
Have family meetings.
Come up with a plan of action to together.
Teach your kids how to manage anger and work out conflicts.
Reinforce good behavior.
Get your kids to reflect on what worked.
Be prepared for some backsliding and don’t consider it a major set-back.
Never get too busy to say, “I love you” and give hugs.

To help you return to more of a “Brady Bunch” home environment, and surely, for a good, common-sense approach, Drew offers Win/Win guidelines to help you work out conflicts in a fair way:

Cool off.
Talk it over using “I” messages,
Listen while the other person speaks and say back what you heard.
Take responsibility for your part in the conflict.
Brainstorm solutions and choose one that’s fair to both of you.
Affirm, forgive, thank, or apologize to each other.

It might help you to know that you’re not alone. There are other families like yours that need some help in getting along as a family. That’s why, throughout the state, Child and Family Services hosts a series of parent support groups called, Circle of Parents. The groups are free and child care is provided. For a complete listing of groups, visit www.cfsnh.org. The groups are parent-led, so YOU choose the topics and direct the flow of conversation. Not only can you learn from one another’s experiences, but you’ll gain valuable emotional support.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.