ParentLine
Dear ParentLine,
I hope you can help me and my two children, ages 9 and 13. My husband, their father, has been violent towards us. He has hit me (in front of the kids) and routinely spanks them. He throws things around and breaks stuff that matters to each of the rest of us and has a very short fuse. When he comes home from a stressful day at work, he takes it out on us…we can’t do anything right and everything we do sets him off. I thought, because he usually apologizes and says it won’t happen again and that he didn’t mean it, that he would stop, but it continues. We need him to take care of the family and I don’t want to be on the streets with my kids. He CAN be nice and protective of us, too, so there is some good. What are my options?
Signed, Hurts Too Much in Hillsborough County.
You and your children are sitting on a time bomb. Much as you might wish otherwise, your husband is dangerous and needs help now. Sure, he apologizes but his apologies can’t undo the wounds – both physical, emotional and mental – that his violent behavior causes you all. The tragedy here is that he never got help before now. ParentLine guesses that your husband suffered abuse as a child. Don’t make that mistake with your children. Violence begets violence.
Terrifying as it must be for you to face, you must stand up to your husband and demand that he gets help or you and the children have to get to safety before one of you is seriously and permanently injured. See the phone numbers at the end of this article for help.
If you choose to divorce, be aware that as a result of a ground-breaking NH divorce case (Gronvaldt v. Gronvaldt, argued before the NH Supreme Court 1/7/04) you don’t need expert witness testimony to substantiate the extent of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse you have suffered. This means that if you need to get on the witness stand and plead your case before a judge, your word about what’s happened is enough. You don’t need to pay an expert $300/hr to tell the judge how badly you’ve been hurt. This case also changes the division of assets and length of time you can receive alimony in a fault divorce case.
Besides getting yourself to safety, you must help your children. In an article titled Children Copy Violent Parents (www.medicalnewstoday.com), US researchers from Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons and the New York State Psychiatric Institute said that once patterns of violent behavior are established, they are very difficult to break. If a child is hit by their parents, they are much more likely to see violence as a way of resolving problems as adults. Seeing violence perpetuated between parents was found to be the greatest risk factor for being the victim of a violent partner as an adult.
Miriam Ehrensaft, the psychologist who lead the research project, said once patterns of violent behavior are established, they are very difficult to break, so families need help early in children’s lives to break the cycle. She added, “If families are targeted before children reach late childhood, patterns of excessive punishment may be prevented from becoming entrenched.”
According to an article titled Violence in the Family, author Geri Redden says that abuse such as you are suffering affects children in many ways. Children who have witnessed abuse often suffer low self-esteem, depression, stress disorders, poor impulse control and feelings of powerlessness. Children of battered women are fifteen times more likely to be battered than children whose mothers are not abused. The woman who becomes unable to cope as a result of the battering may develop an emotional or mental illness that leaves her unable to fulfill her parenting role. Because the abuser often uses the children’s behavior as an excuse for battering the woman, children come to blame themselves for their mother’s abuse.
Sandra Beaudry, MS, LMFT, program director of Child and Family Services’ Family Intervention and Family Counseling programs, says, “You are in a very difficult position…wanting the fear and hurting for you and your children to end, and yet feeling that you can’t survive on your own and that your husband means well. If you feel you could talk with your husband about what’s happening, you could bring up your concerns and the need your children have for him to find other ways to deal with stress so that it really doesn’t ever happen again. Let him know that you are willing to support him in seeking some help for himself and for the family.”
Beaudry observes that if you feel your husband will have a negative and perhaps even violent reaction to your suggestion, then do not have that conversation just yet. “It may be helpful for you to talk with a therapist on your own about what you can do for your family,” she says. “It may also be helpful for you to call a nearby agency that works with victims of domestic violence. Usually, they have support groups where the participants, in similar situations as yours, talk about how to deal with what is happening in their relationships and families.”
Agencies to protect victims of domestic violence have shelters where families can go temporarily to escape a dangerous situation and receive help in getting on their feet. If you have not talked with anyone about what is happening, it may help to start talking to a friend or family member you trust, who can help you figure out your options if you decide to leave.
Beaudry adds, “If your husband is injuring your children and you are unable to stop him but do not separate from him, you may be considered to be neglectful. I know this is very harsh sounding but it is reality. Also, children witnessing violence of one parent toward the other are affected emotionally and may become violent themselves. Connection and support are very important right now for you and may make the difference for you, your children and your husband.”
New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
PO Box 353
Concord, NH 03302-0353
Toll-free phone number(s):
(800) 277-5570 (State Sexual Assault Hotline)
(866) 644-3574 (State Domestic Violence Hotline)
A Safe Place: 24 Hour Crisis Phone Line in NH: 800-854-3552
National Domestic Violence Hotline- (800) 799-SAFE (7233). The hotline is staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors who can provide crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, health care centers, and counseling. There is also a toll-free number for the hearing-impaired, 1-800-787-3224.
PARENTLINE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS!
ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.
