ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, Our son, age 15, has become very scary to us.  He told us about this thing called “friends with benefits.” I guess that’s where people get together with other people they consider their friends and have unemotional/no-strings-attached sex (which includes all kids of sexual activities, not just intercourse).  We can’t believe that he’s so promiscuous, careless and heartless about it and we certainly fear for his well-being.  We’ve told him about the dangers of STDs and pregnancy, not to mention the psychological and risky social factors, but that doesn’t stop him.  He just thinks he’s well-enough protected to not worry (or, he thinks he’s invincible).  PLEASE!  How can we dissuade him from this ridiculous, dirty and dangerous behavior?  Signed Fretting in Franklin, NH

 

You’re part of the growing numbers of parents nation-wide who are concerned about teen sexual activity, which is becoming increasingly common for teenagers from 14 to 18 years of age.  Teens are developing a new type of “sex-only” relationship in which they are “hooking-up” (the new term for a one-night stand) for sex—both intercourse and oral—but do not consider themselves to be “dating” or in a “monogamous” relationship.  If the one-night stand turns into a series, but still with no relationship, then it’s a “friendship with benefits.”

The tragedy for your son, his peers, and millions of teens across the country, is that hanging out, hooking-up, and having sex with a casual acquaintance and without intimacy is considered a “benefit” of “friendship.”  Beyond both emotional and psychological damage, these practices have serious consequences for those who engage in them; like death, disease and pregnancy, and not necessarily in that order.    No matter how you slice it, sex is a personal, intimate act with emotional undertones.   Therefore, why wouldn’t it be prudent to wait until one is more mature, and even then, select your partner carefully, wisely and with your own self-worth in mind?

Mark Cichocki, self-described as a “once-naïve” father of three teenage daughters (till he had a discussion with a group of his daughters’ peers about “friends with benefit”), and author of “Teens and Oral Sex…There are Risks,” points to a recent study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology that surveyed a group of 10th graders about their thoughts and perceptions on sex.  The fact that teens in the 10th grade were sexually active was, while not ideal, no big surprise.   However, the fact that the survey found that although teenagers were having oral sex more often than intercourse and with many more partners, it is yet more disturbing that a majority of those teens said they did not use condoms.

To the answer why teens are so sexually active, Cichocki says, “Peer pressure’s a very strong influence in a teen’s life.  But that’s just one factor in a teen’s decision to engage in sexual behavior.”  Other reasons include teens’ desire to be popular among peers.  Also, teens believe that oral sex is the safe alternative to intercourse, both from pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease.  The statistics prove otherwise.  Millions of teens become infected with STDs such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV and herpes each year and oral sex is a route by which teens are becoming infected.

Cichocki reminds teens:

  • Oral sex is a very risky activity for HIV infection as well as other STDs.
  • HIV and some STDs are forever—meaning they can’t be cured.
  • While a teen may seem more popular, having unprotected oral sex doesn’t make them any more liked among their peers.  In fact, studies show that people like and respect teens LESS when they have unprotected oral sex.
  • During oral sex, both the boy and the girl are at risk for disease.
  • Getting a reputation for being promiscuous, slutty, or easy will stay with a teen long after high school is over.
  • If a teen can’t talk to a parent about sex, talk to a school counselor, a teacher or a family doctor.

 

Though shocking that kids engage in such practices, it’s hardly surprising given the way sexual content is regularly marketed to younger children, pre-teens, and teens.  An article titled “Teen Sexual Behaviors: Issues and Concerns.” from the experts at Focus Adolescent Services (www.focusas.com), cites the fact sheet Marketing Sex to Children from the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood.  Consider the following information that reflects what your son and his peers have been bombarded with in terms of sexual content and messages:

  • In 2003, 83% of the episodes of the top 20 shows among teen viewers contained some sexual content, including 20% with sexual intercourse.
  • On average, music videos contain 93 sexual situations per hour, including eleven “hard core” scenes depicting behaviors such as intercourse and oral sex.
  • 42% of the songs on the top CDs in 1999 contained sexual content—19% included direct descriptions of sexual intercourse.
  • Girls who watched more than 14 hours of rap music videos per week were more likely to have multiple sex partners and to be diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease (STD).
  • Neilson estimates that 6.6 million children ages 2-11 and 7.3 million teens ages 12-17 watched as Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed during the 2004 Super Bowl half time show.

The study goes on to say that TV, movies, and music aren’t the only influences—the internet provides teens with endless access to information on sex as well as a steady supply of people willing to talk about sex with them. 

The folks at www.netfamilynews.org  in the SafeKidsNetFamily newsletter point to the role the internet plays in this “revolution” as described by Benoit Denizer-Lewis (New York Times Magazine, 5/30/04). 

Rating each other, updating their profiles, chatting, “asking the questions they might not dare to in real life,” and deciding whether or not to “hook up” (for no-strings sex) with someone local they meet in the site.

  • Cell phones and the Net offer teenagers “an unparalleled level of privacy, making hooking up that much easier…”
  • A teenage boy says, “Who needs the hassle of dating when I’ve got online porn?”

What to do?   Set rules about internet use and enforce them.  Get to know your son’s friends and meet their parents.  Establish, discuss and review your family’s morals and values. And, if you need help with any of these issues, call the number listed at the end of this article for help from family therapy professionals.

Most important?  Talk with your son about sex and be prepared to listen to him.  Experts like Victoria Clayton in an article titled Tackling the Topic of Teen Sex, suggest that the reason parents should be concerned isn’t because hooking up is “storming” the nation, but because kids need help from their parents.  The vast majority of parents still never have a conversation with their kids about sex beyond maybe giving them information about reproduction. 

Clayton quotes Sheree Conrad, assistant professor of psychology at University of Massachusetts, who says, “If you don’t talk with your kids about sex, you miss the opportunity to offer them useful information about sex as a healthy interaction between people.  You also give them the implicit message that it’s not OK to talk about sex.  This creates apprehension, guilt, and shame.  It also leaves them on their own, which means they may find themselves surfing the net and getting involved in sex before they’re ready.” Research has made it clear: Parents who discuss sex and who set healthy relationship examples can spare their children much pain, confusion, and fear.”

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.