ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, Our 17 year old son just came out.  He told us the other day that he’s gay.  We were flabbergasted.  He has always played sports, dated girls, and seemed very ‘boyish’ in every way.  How can he tell that he’s gay?  He has never had sex…that we know of…and has never even talked to a gay person…we don’t think.  It just seems so out of place.   There are just none of the “signs.” Could he be just trying to fit in with the new gay trend?  Signed, Help for Hetero Parents in Hicktown, NH

 

You have an important choice here.  You may embrace your son’s courage for coming out to you and engage in a dialog with him that will enhance your lives or you can close your heart and lose contact with this most important person in your lives.  Those with open hearts and open minds are the ones who hold the capacity to help us heal the fractures in our wounded world.  Your son has just handed you the opportunity of a lifetime, should you choose to see his gift of sharing himself in this light.

According to the folks at www.outproud.org, the only choice most lesbians and gays have is whether to be honest about who they are or to hide it.  The fact that your son has made the decision not to hide his sexual orientation has spared him the terrible burden of living a lie.  You should be pleased that he felt comfortable enough to tell you about himself.  Despite your confusion about what it means for your son to be gay, at least you have spared him the shame, embarrassment, and rejection far too many youngsters face when they come out to their families and friends.

To approach this subject, please take in these words from noted pediatrician, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, who says, “It is  time for all of us—parents, pediatricians, nurses, school teachers—who work with vulnerable children who are gay and lesbian, to understand and support them.  They need and deserve our un-ambivalent support.”

In an article titled, When Your Child Comes Out; Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay or Trans, What Do You Do? (http://lesbianlife.about.com) author Kathy Belge suggests that your child is the same person that he or she was before coming out.  Remember, someone’s sexual orientation is just one part of who they are.  Your child who loved pro wrestling and The Beatles is still the same kid you’ve loved since birth.  Nothing about that child has changed.  You just have more knowledge about his or her life.  Take this opportunity to connect as you did before you knew he or she was gay. 

Belge urges you to talk to your son or daughter.  If you feel comfortable asking questions about his or her sexual orientation, do so.  But you don’t need to focus on sexual orientation.  You may blame yourself for your child’s homosexuality.  Don’t.  It’s not your “fault.”  Most scientists and psychologists agree, people are born gay or lesbian.  It’s not something that you could have influenced.  You may feel depressed and isolated, like you have no one to talk to.  Find yourself a supportive counselor, if you need it.  Log onto the resources listed at the end of this article to find both national and local contact information.

Because your question reflects a serious level of ignorance about what your son’s sexual orientation means and because you need to know there are positive and specific ways in which you can support your son, ParentLine made a bee-line to the PFLAG-NH website (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, at www.pflagnh.org ) for the following information.

The truth about our gay/lesbian/bisexual and transgender (GLBT) relatives and friends: GLBT people are everywhere, in every culture, religion and race, and in every occupation. An estimated 10% of the human race is same gender oriented.  Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their families represent more than one third of the people in this country.  Founded in 1981, PFLAG today represents more than 80,000 people.

GLBT people are emotionally healthy:  The American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association recognize that homosexuality is not a mental or emotional disorder.  GLBT people establish stable, long-lasting relationships, work for a living, attend church, shop, watch TV, vote and pay taxes.  They are valuable members of human society.

Being gay or transgender is natural for gays and transgender people: Homosexual or transgender is the way some people are rather than a choice of a life style.  Their sexuality or gender identity is natural and normal for them.  GLBT people were not taught or influenced by anyone to be who they are.  GLBT people are not “going through a state.”  They need their families.  Rejection by their family is a tragedy we work to prevent.

PFLAG is dedicated to: the preservation of families in loving relationships, in the support of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their families, and to full civil rights for all Americans.  We work for the recognition, respect and civil rights due to all human beings.  We challenge ignorance, prejudice and fear and seek to change attitudes of society towards our loved ones.  We strive to banish the silence of gay lives. 

ParentLine also visited www.ehow.com for information on “How to Support Your Gay Son or Daughter.” 

• When your gay or lesbian child comes out to you, be careful not to let your own feelings overshadow his or her need for support.
• Listen to your child and keep your emotions in check.
• Remember that coming out is harder on your child than it is on you.
• Let your child know that you still love him or her unconditionally.
• Tell your child that you need time to digest this information.
• Ask your child questions, if you are prepared for the answers.
• Keep in close touch with your son or daughter so that he or she won’t feel isolated.

And, most importantly, remember your son is still the same person he was before he shared this news with you. No matter what, you must let him know you love him.

Support Resources:  

For support information visit the national PFLAG website at www.pflag.org.

For local contact information visit the state PFLAG website at www.pflagnh.org

The Family Resource Connection (FRC) is a special program of the New Hampshire State Library providing information and materials about all aspects of raising, caring for, and educating children.  Information is available on parenting concerns, child development, child care, special needs, education, disabilities, health issues, and other subjects of interest to parents and caretakers, including information for and about questioning and gay youths.  The FRC is also a free lending library of books and videos.  Borrowed materials will be mailed to any NH resident along with a postage paid mailer to return them.  This is a free and confidential service.  Requests may be made over the phone (1-800-298-4321) or through email.  

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.