ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

My children are grown, but two of my grandchildren (ages three and five) have just come to live with me, probably permanently.  Do you have any advice for grandparents coping with raising young grandchildren? 

             

First, be assured that you are not alone.  Census surveys show that over three million children in the U.S. are living in households headed by grandparents.  In about half of those cases three generations are living together.  In the other households, it’s only grandparents and grandchildren.  Reasons for this include teen parents who are not emotionally or financially ready to be on their own, imprisonment or death of the parents, divorce, and problems with drugs or alcohol.  The last two are the biggest causes, often involving neglect or abuse of the children. In many cases, grandparents step in on their own, or are recruited to provide a stable home for their grandchildren.

             

One of the first things you may want to do is to consult with an attorney on legal guardianship of your grandchildren, if you have not already done so.  You can hire a lawyer if finances allow, or call NH Pro Bono at 1-800-639-5290.  There may be a long waiting list for help, but they are knowledgeable in many areas where you might need assistance. Their web site is www.mv.com/ipusers/larc.  If you want legal guardianship, and the parents agree to that, you can go to Family Court or Probate Court on your own.  Look in the phone book under your city or county listings.  If there are none listed, call the Superior Court to ask for information on custody proceedings.  If you and the parents are not in agreement, you may need an attorney.

               

If finances are a problem with two new additions to your household, search out any help you may qualify for.  Call The NH Health and Human Services Department at 1-800-852-3345, or NH Helpline at 1-800-852-3388. If you are retired, check with the Social Security Administration for any help they may have to offer.  If you are still working, you will need to find child care for your grandchildren while you work.

             

You will probably need help with many other things, large and small, over the coming years.  Parents of any age need a supportive group of friends, relatives and neighbors.  Do you have other grown children who are willing and able to help?  Getting to know younger neighbors with small children can put you back in touch with where to go for good sales on children’s clothes, furniture, and other items.  They will also know about local children’s places and activities, such as library story hours, preschools and playgrounds.  If you belong to a church or any other organizations, turn to them for help: financial, emotional, or physical.   

             

Both you and your grandchildren may need counseling.   Look in the phone book or online for local for community service listings for family assistance and mental health agencies.  There are probably a number of issues to be worked through. There are support groups spreading throughout the country for grandparents or other relatives with custody of grandchildren.  Consider posting notices on local bulletin boards to start your own group. Call your local Information and Referral service.  Check your newspapers to see if there is a group in your area.  You may also call Child and Family Services for information about their Grandparent and/or KinsCare Support Groups.  To reach this program, phone 603-518-4218.

             

Dorothy Whitaker, coordinator of Child and family Services Grandparent/KinsCare support program says, “Kinscare support programs establish a warm, nonjudgmental atmosphere where members can share information and discuss concerns.  The group helps to lessen the feelings of isolation and provides a place where people can come and talk about parenting and get information from others who are going through the same things they are.  They provide encouragement and share coping strateges, ideas, and resources as they work through negative emotions. Members are also able to form new friendships that give them real support.”

              

AARP’s Grandparent Information Center (GIC) provides information about services and programs that can help improve the lives of grandparent households. The GIC also offers assistance and publications in Spanish.  Write to:

AARP GIC

601 E St. NW

Washington, DC 20049

Email: member@aarp.org

(You don't have to be an AARP member.)

Call: (202)434-2296 (main line)

        (202)434-2281 (Spanish language)

             

             

Check with your local librarian or book stores for books such as  "To Grandma's House we...Stay" by Sally Houtman, M.S., and  "Grandparents as Parents:  A Survival Guide for Raising a Second Family" by Sylvie de Toledo and Deborah Edler Brown. 

             

Remember to make time for yourself whenever possible.  Have an evening out, go to an exercise class, or just take a relaxing bath whenever you can.  You will be refreshed and better able to handle all of the responsibilities that you have generously and lovingly taken on.

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.