ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

My children are grown, but two of my grandchildren (ages four and six) have just come to live with me, probably permanently.  Do you have any advice for grandparents coping with raising young grandchildren? 

Signed, Overwhelmed in Ossippe, NH

Ahh, just when you’d coasted into the glow of the Golden Years, you get the opportunity to re-experience one of the most rewarding and challenging endeavors of life’s endeavors.   Go easy, and remind yourself that you are not alone.  Help is available.

The US Census Bureau reports that over the last 25 years, the number of children being raised by someone other than a parent has increased dramatically. Reasons for this increase include substance abuse, death of a parent, child abuse and/or neglect, abandonment, teenage pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, unemployment, incarceration, divorce, mental health problems, family violence, poverty.  In many cases, grandparents step in on their own, or are recruited to provide a stable home for their grandchildren.

In the process of taking your grandchildren into your life, you will find that you may face certain obstacles that your grandchild’s biological parent does not.  Some of these are the ability to enroll the child in school, to place the children on your health insurance policies, to register the child for a test at the hospital, and to obtain affordable housing for you and the children.

Because of these and other related issues, one of the first things you may want to do is to consult with an attorney about legal guardianship of your grandchildren, if you have not already done so.  You can hire a lawyer if finances allow, or call NH Pro Bono at 1-800-639-5290.  There may be a waiting list for help, but they are knowledgeable in many areas where you might need assistance.  If you want legal guardianship, and the parents agree to that, you can go to Family Court or Probate Court on your own.  Look in the phone book under your city or county listings.  If there are none listed, call the Superior Court to ask for information on custody proceedings.  If you and the parents are not in agreement, you may need an attorney.

If finances are a problem with two new additions to your household, search out any help you may qualify for.  Call The NH Health and Human Services Department at 1-800-852-3345, or call 211 (or 1-866-444-4211 or TTY: 603-634-3388) for state-wide information and referral for human and social services needs.  If you are retired, check with the Social Security Administration for any help they may have to offer.  You may also be able to get help through the NH Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) for both you and the children, or, if you are still working, for a “child-only” grant.  You may also quality for the Food Stamp program. You may also qualify for the Earned Income Tax Credit and/or the Child Tax Credit available from the IRS.  If you are still working, you will need to find child care for your grandchildren while you work.

You will probably need help with many other things, large and small, over the coming years.  Parents of any age need a supportive group of friends, relatives and neighbors.  Do you have other grown children who are willing and able to help?  Getting to know younger neighbors with small children can put you back in touch with where to go for good sales on children’s clothes, furniture, and other items.  They will also know about local children’s places and activities, such as library story hours, preschools and playgrounds.  If you belong to a church or any other organizations, turn to them for help: financial, emotional, or physical.   

In an rticle titled, Dealing with Your Grandchild’s Difficult Behaviors (www.aarp.org ).experts at AARP suggest that beyond getting their physical needs met, your grandchildren need positive reinforcement, consistency, to feel safe, and to know you care.  Many children in a situation like yours have lived through more trauma than some adults face in a lifetime.  These kids can feel alone, unloved, and have needs that other kids can’t share.

When ParentLine asked a grandmother in a situation similar to yours about what her grandson faces, she said, “The hardest thing to deal with is the feelings he has about missing his parents.  A lot of nights he goes to bed crying because he misses his parents so much, even though he understands that it’s best that he’s with us.  Each night I put him to bed, I tell him that it’s OK to miss mom and dad so much and that we’re not ever going to take that away from him, but it breaks my heart to see him so sad.” 

For this reason, both you and your grandchildren may need counseling.   Look in the phone book or online for local for community service listings for family assistance and mental health agencies.  There are probably a number of issues to be worked through. There are support groups spreading throughout the country for grandparents or other relatives with custody of grandchildren.  Consider posting notices on local bulletin boards to start your own group. Call your local Information and Referral service.  Check your newspapers to see if there is a group in your area.  You may also call Child and Family Services for information about their Grandparent and/or KinsCare Support Groups.  To reach this program, phone 603-518-4218.

Dorothy Whitaker, coordinator of Child and family Services Grandparent/KinsCare support program says, “Kinscare support programs establish a warm, nonjudgmental atmosphere where members can share information and discuss concerns.  The group helps to lessen the feelings of isolation and provides a place where people can come and talk about parenting and get information from others who are going through the same things they are.  They provide encouragement and share coping strategies, ideas, and resources as they work through negative emotions. Members are also able to form new friendships that give them real support.”

Remember to make time for yourself whenever possible.  Have an evening out, go to an exercise class, or just take a relaxing bath whenever you can.  You will be refreshed and better able to handle all of the responsibilities that you have generously and lovingly taken on.

PARENTLINE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS! 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org .