ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, Oh, I know all kids do it. I also know you get all kinds of questions all the time about very serious things, but I have to ask about this and it’s a doozy.  My seven-year-old son has several gross habits.  Here’s a short list:  eats off the floor, sprays the toilet seat when potties, picks his nose, and never covers his mouth/nose after coughing/sneezing.  Shouldn’t he know better?  Signed, RTBN in Cheshire County.

 

Oh, dear. It sounds like you’ve forgotten that little boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.  And, moms of the sugar and spice and everything nice gang, shouldn’t get too smug.  Your little darling with the saucy bow in her ringlets is just as apt to have her pinkie up her nose as well.  What you’re dealing with is just one of the joys of parenthood.

The answer to your question is “No!”  At age seven, kids don’t “know better.”  Right now, you have to re-direct behaviors that disgust you so they don’t become habits that disgust others and create impacts on how your son is accepted socially.  Manners count!

If it helps, think of your kid as though he’s a baby “computer” and you’re the “programmer.”  Because there’s more to being “human” than walking upright, you must school your child in ways of decent conduct, starting with what’s OK and what’s not. To that end, here’s what’s going on and what you can do about it.

According to author Nancy Kalish in an article titled, Nice Kids, Bad Habits, Getting past nail-biting, hair-twirling, and other annoying behaviors, www.sesameworkshop.com,

around age four, children start to do certain things that can perplex, annoy, and sometimes worry their parents. 

The article reports that experts say that many of these so-called habits are really a completely normal part of emotional development and they may actually be good for kids.  “Adults might find a kid’s habit socially unacceptable,” says Christopher Skinner, Ph.D., professor of school psychology at Mississippi State University, “but often it’s just a developmentally appropriate behavior.”  ParentLine echoes Kalish when she says that it may be hard to appreciate the finer points of child development when your child starts to pick his nose or toes, especially in public.  

Dr. Skinner adds, “But, the truth is, some of these habits are only considered to be bad because they gross parents out.  Kids just don’t view [this stuff] in the same way we do.  They think that stuff is really neat and can’t understand why we don’t think so too.”

ParentLine wouldn’t go quite that far, but you get the drift.

What the experts are getting at is that little kids use certain activities because they can “rely” on these behaviors to help themselves feel calm, content and in control of difficult situations.  Now, you and ParentLine both know that picking your nose won’t cut the stress we may feel on any given day, but think about it.  Don’t all grown-ups have behaviors to self-soothe when we’re under the gun, with some of these behaviors being less “healthful” than others?  Take for instance self-soothing activities related to food, alcohol and cigarettes.

Kalish quotes Stuart Watson, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Mississippi State University, who says, “A four-year-old’s fidgeting can allow him to tolerate the difficulty of sitting still for long periods.  The movement distracts him enough so that he’s not overwhelmed by his need to jump up and run around.  Or a four-year-old’s hair-twisting may allay her anxiety about being dropped off at pre-school and allow her to make the transition without wailing for Mommy.”  In fact, Dr. Watson says, “These habits are a healthy and independent way of dealing with every day anxiety and kids who do these things are no more insecure than those who don’t.”

The child development experts suggest that certain behaviors an adult may view as “bad” are simply ways little kids find to solve a pressing problem; a problem that they can’t articulate.  Author Kalish quotes Debbie Webb Blackburn, PHD, and child psychologist at the Virginia Treatment Center for Children, who warns against calling your child “gross or otherwise shaming him into stopping a habit. Punishment is also a bad idea.” Blackburn adds, “A bad habit is not a discipline issue and shouldn’t be treated like one. Don’t’ make getting him to stop into an ongoing, emotionally charged battle.”

Kalish offers the following suggestions.  Don’t make a big deal of whatever it is your child’s doing.  Stay calm and neutral.  Gear your efforts toward making your child aware that there are good reasons to give up his behaviors and at the same time, redirect these behaviors.   Provide an incentive for him to stop.  Be aware of your own behaviors.  You may decide to “wait it out,” simply because most children’s habits are developmentally driven.  Once the developmental need passes, often times, the habit will too.

In an article titled The All-time Grossest Kids’ Habits, the folks at www.Parents.com offer the following to help you with your son’s particular delightful behaviors:

• Nose-picking:  This behavior is dangerous in that the mucous membranes lining your child’s nostrils are a prime entry point for infections.  Redirection is usually effective.  Carry tissues and offer him one the instant he reaches for his nose.  You might also have your child assessed for allergies.  And, you may want to use a nasal saline solution or a dab of Vaseline jelly in his nostrils.

• Eating food that’s dropped on the floor:  Just say no every time your child does it.  Even a toddler can be trained not to put fallen food into his mouth.  Also, clean floors frequently and keep them dry because germs thrive in damp environments.  There is really no such thing as the five-second rule.  Food is contaminated the instant it hits the floor.

• Coughing/sneezing without covering: Be a good role model.  If you cover your own nose and mouth, your children are more likely to do the same.  Don’t be afraid to nag about this one!  Kids need constant reminders to cover when they cough or sneeze and then, to wash their hands.  To prevent the spread of germs, teach your child to sneeze or cough into the crook of his elbow.

 

Finally, ParentLine offers a little ditty to help you help Junior with the potty problem.   Shakespeare it isn’t, but it’ll do the trick if you sound like a broken record.  “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.”  And, while you’re at it, you may decide to teach your child about the neutral position of the toilet seat cover.  Remember, behind every considerate man who once was a little boy, there is one good parent. 

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.