ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

My son has been lying to me and to his father.  I have even heard him tell lies to other relatives.  I find this very upsetting and embarrassing.  We have told him that lying is wrong and that we expect him to always tell the truth.  What else can we do? 

Signed, Fibber McGee’s Mom in Manchester, NH

 

 

Call us old-fashioned, but honesty is always the best policy.  And, yep, we know what you’re up against in a society in which truth is the servant of convenience, expedience and greed.  However, as parents, your obligation and responsibility to your child is to determine what’s black and what’s white and to draw a clear line between the truth and a lie. The reason you teach your child to fess up when he chops down the cherry tree will help him avoid growing into a “cherry-picker” later on in life. 

What’s the standard for truth telling in your family, the whole truth and nothing but the truth or only half truths?  According to Clare Hanrahan, contributor to the Encyclopedia of Children’s Health: Lying, “Children may observe much routine dishonesty in the home, school and surrounding culture.  Parental examples of honesty in interpersonal relationships are critical if a child is to develop an ethic of truthfulness.  Children commonly experiment with lying in the natural course of development.  They need help recognizing and understanding the distinction between prosocial and antisocial lying.”

Consider also that kids are masters at monkey-see-monkey-do.  Some children have a greater inclination to stretch the truth than do others.  However, children and teens who live in environments where they see others lie, or where they are made to feel they have to lie to protect themselves from harm, are more apt to lie than other kids.  Also, the tendency to lie may be influenced by the child’s personality. 

Hanrahan adds that kids become more adept liars with practice.  “As they grow older it may become increasingly difficult for a parent, teacher or care-giver to detect dishonesty.  Close observation and familiarity with the child, as well as an understanding of their developmental stage, are critical to the diagnosis of problem lying.” 

Another factor in the types of lies a child or adolescent may tell is their age.  You don’t say how old your son is, but a little fibber is a lot like an untended weed.  You need to nip this behavior in the bud.  To help you gauge your son’s behavior according to his developmental stage, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s article titled, “Children and Lying,” (AACAP, No.44, www.aacap.org) suggests:

  • Young children (ages 4-5) often make up stories and tell tall tales.  This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun.  These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy.
  • An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving (e.g. avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions).  Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty, and trust.
  • Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don’t want to hurt their feelings.  Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents (e.g. denying they sneaked out late at night with friends).

The experts at AACAP suggest that lying that is indicative of emotional problems shows up in some children who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, but who tell elaborate stories which appear believable.  These children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.  Is your son lying because he needs more attention?

Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying.  They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends.  These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit.  Some children and teens are not bothered by lying or taking advantage of others.

Still others may use lying to cover up another serious problem. For example, an adolescent with a serious drug or alcohol problem will lie repeatedly to hide the truth about where they have been, who they were with, what they were doing, and where the money went.  If your son is an adolescent and his behavior fits any of these indicators, seek professional help immediately.

According to the folks at www.notmykid.org the first thing you can do is to teach honesty in the home and to be aware of your own standards for lying.  In some homes, polite social lies are more acceptable than in others.  Some parents may inadvertently promote lying by asking their children to lie about their age or tell a caller that Mom or Dad isn’t home.  Be aware that kids will have a difficult time seeing the difference between these types of lies and lies they may tell to you.  Modeling honest behavior in the home as well as setting up an environment in which it’s easy to be truthful may be two of the strongest lie prevention strategies.  Here are a few tips:

  • Whenever possible, keep your word.  Always explain and apologize if you must break a promise.
  • If you do find yourself lying in front of your child, be sure to talk about it with him or her and explain your reasons and values surrounding the lie.  If you made a mistake by telling a lie, admit it.
  • Do not expect young children to understand the subtle differences between “white lies’ and a more serious lie.
  • Do not tell your children lies to promote compliance (e.g. telling them that shots won’t hurt or that going to the dentist will be fun).
  • Praise truth-telling, especially when it was likely difficult to do.
  • Assume family members are telling the truth unless you have reason to suspect otherwise.
  • Don’t overburden your child with too many rules and expectations.  The more rules there are, the more likely they are to get broken, and the more likely the child may feel the need to lie to avoid punishment.
  • Involve your children in developing the rules.  It is easier to abide by a rule that you had some role in making.

PARENTLINE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS! 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.