ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Our daughter is on a cheerleading squad at her school.  We went to one of their practices the other day and were shocked by how hoity-toity and snobby these girls were to other kids.  It was like watching a made-for-TV movie.  We heard them making fun of another girl in the school, who, apparently isn’t too “pretty,” and they were acting all sassy and sexing it up in front of the boys, only to walk past one of the geekier ones and spout out, “NOT!”  It was ugly.  What can we do to be sure that our daughter doesn’t fall under the spell of this clique and/or become just like them? 

Signed, Mr. & Mrs. J, Just-over-the-border.

 

Thank you for being troubled by what you saw.  In times when to have social conscience and sensitivity about how one’s actions affect others –especially among youth--is the exception rather than the norm, you are correct to be concerned for your daughter.

Mike Riera, in an article titled “With the In-Crowd,” (CBS The Saturday Early Show), offers some back-ground information on the dynamic you witnessed.  Two factors are at work here.  Starting in middle school, girls explore power through relationships.  And, as a person reaches puberty, according to American psychiatrist Harry Sullivan, the strongest organizer of behavior is the avoidance of loneliness.  Riera observes, “Kids need to feel accepted, and most will do whatever it takes to feel accepted.  For girls, generally speaking, who develop through relationships and interdependence versus boys who develop more through independence and autonomy; this means friendships during early adolescence are a construction zone for identity.”

The way this identity “construction zone”’ plays out, Riera says, “In the group of friends, anywhere from three to seven, one girl usually asserts herself as leader and attempts to push another out of the group.  The main motivation often being simply to see if she can do it.  Once she convinces the other girls in the group, often by sharing her power with them and with the implicit threat that if they don’t go along she’ll turn on them next, the girl being scapegoated doesn’t stand much of a chance with that group in that grade.  It’s a tough situation all around.” 

In an article titled “Combating Popular Kids and Their Cliques,” by Betsy Rubiner, Peter Adler, a University of Denver sociologist who coauthored a 10-year study of third through sixth graders, observes that once primarily a phenomenon among high-school girls, cliques today crop up as early as elementary school and pose challenges for children as well as their parents.  Adler suggests that cliques may be forming sooner, in part, because today’s young children spend more time at child care facilities or participating in extracurricular activities.

“Forming such groups or belonging to them has become even more important now because children are spending as much time, if not more, with their peers than with their parents,” Adler says.  A clique can be more important than family, as kids struggle to find a place where they are accepted.  Complicating matters is the fact that children also tend to form groups in which membership is determined by status symbols; hairstyles, personal accessories, and more based on the deluge of pop culture images and ads pitching “cool” products to kids.”  In this same article, Rubiner quotes Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence (Three Rivers, 2003), who adds, “And parents buy into it.  Mom and Dad remember what it felt like when they weren’t allowed to buy the clothes and shoes that the popular kids wore.  Now they feel that they’re failing kids if they don’t get them the hottest jeans.  But they’re not.”

How to help your daughter through these rapids that can be so destructive not only in her young life, but potentially for girls her group excludes?  You made a great start by showing up at cheer-leading practice.  This doesn’t mean that you have to hover over her but rather, simply continue to check in on her activities.  That’s what good parents do.  They show up and observe their kids in action.  To get into the mindset of what your daughter’s up against, steel yourself and rent the 2004 movie “Mean Girls,” written by Tina Fey and starring Lindsay Lohan.  Fey says of the movie, “Adults find it funny.  They are the ones who are laughing.  Young girls watch it like a reality show.  It’s much too close to their real experiences so they are not exactly guffawing.”

In ParentLine’s search to help you find a strategy to help your daughter find the middle ground during this tough phase of her social development, we found an article titled “Coping with Cliques,” by the experts at the Nemours Foundation (www.kidshealth.org).

They suggest that while few girls manage to stay friends with people both inside and outside the clique because there’s often intense pressure from the group to be friends only with people on the approved list and that it takes a lot of self-confidence to dare to be friends with someone outside the clique. They offer the following as ways for your daughter to survive cliques.

• Know yourself and your reputation.  Now’s a time for getting in touch with your values, interests and beliefs.  If you’re encountering cliques, it’s a good opportunity to ask yourself some self-discovery questions about what you and your true friends give each other.  Do you want to be part of a group because you need to feel accepted or because you actually share their values?  Has your group of friends morphed into something you don’t like?  How do your friends influence the way people think about you?  Does this make you feel good or bad?
• Stay involved in activities that make you feel good about yourself.  If you’re in a clique, don’t let the group pressure you into giving up things you love or spending time and money on things that aren’t important to you.
• Keep your social circles open and diverse.  Cliques can be very limiting in the way they control how members look, think, dress, and behave.  Don’t let them make you miss out on getting to know people who may become close friends.
• Speak out.  If you feel your group of friends is turning into a clique, take a stand for your beliefs.  Be prepared that the clique might go on without you (remember girls who feel threatened by someone else’s strength).  But there’s also a chance that others might follow your lead and stop acting so clique-y.
• Have a mind of your own.  Be sensitive to others and don’t go along with what you don’t believe is right—even if others are doing it.  You are the only one responsible for your behavior.  True friends will respect your mind, your rights, and your independent choices.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.