ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Lately I’ve been very upset about how my life is going. My husband and I argue a lot and my daughter is so hard to handle. I hate my job, I’m out of shape and I don’t seem to have any fun any more. No matter what I do nothing seems to change. I’m really getting depressed.  I'm making a lot of resolutions, but have little hope of succeeding.  Suggestions? 

Signed, Slow Decline in Southern NH

Sometimes we get so caught up in our day-to-day lives that we wake up and find that things are not really as we would want them to be. Every once in a while it’s a good idea to take a look at your life and see what you would like to improve on, strive for, change or eliminate. The most important thing, however, is to make concrete plans and stick to them. Some people tend to do this at the beginning of every year. But, often times these “New Year’s Resolutions” are soon forgotten or seem too difficult to achieve.

It can be refreshing to make small as well as important changes in our lives. However, the changes that last are the ones we want very much and have a plan for achieving. Start by making a list of the things in your life you are not happy with or would somehow like to change. Prioritize your list by putting the number 1 next to those things you absolutely must change; put a two next to those things that you very much want to change… and so on.

Next, start with all your high priority items. What are some concrete steps you can take to fulfill them. For example, you mention that you and your husband argue a lot. Take a look at what you frequently argue about. Is there a pattern? Can you have a discussion to try to resolve these things at a time when you are both not upset with each other? If the arguing is excessive and doesn’t help you resolve your problems with each other, perhaps marriage counseling can help you both learn to communicate effectively.

You also mention that you’re out of shape. Commit to getting some exercise every single day. It can be very simple and doesn’t have to mean joining an expensive health club. Walking, biking, yard work and playing outside with your daughter are all ways to help keep in shape. Getting regular exercise is also a good way to help you feel less depressed.

If you feel stuck in a job you don’t like, look at ways you can either get a new job or grow in the one you have. Perhaps start by making a list of the skills and accomplishments you already have. What would you like to do? What skills will you need to get to have a new job? How will you get those skills? Find out if your employer will pay tuition reimbursement so you can increase skills you bring to your current job.

You say that your daughter is hard to handle. Is this a new phase or has it always been part of her personality. Sometimes it’s helpful to know that behavior troubles will pass as time goes on. You may also want to take a look at the way you are interacting with your daughter. Perhaps some of the disappointment you have about your life is affecting how you relate to her. A concrete step forward might be to take some parenting classes. You can learn effective ways of dealing with some of the behavior problems you are seeing.

The most important thing to remember is that, with planning and determination, you can almost always change the things in your life that you don’t like. It may take time, but if you want it badly enough, it will happen.

ParentLine encourages your questions.  ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.