ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Our daughter and son both made New Year’s resolutions.  Our daughter’s resolution was to start being nicer to other girls at school.  Our son’s was to lose weight and start an exercise regimen that he will stick with for at least six months.  Well, it’s only days into the new year and both of the kids have gone off mark.  These resolutions were THEIR choices and we think they’re good ones…ones that will help them to either become better individuals, both socially and physically.  How can we instill the importance of commitment and living up to one’s own ideals? 

Signed Mr. & Mrs. B. of Belknap County

 

Look at what’s positive here.  Both your kids made self-assessments.  Each one found something they wanted to change or improve in themselves. This is great especially since most kids haven’t got a clue that they aren’t God’s gift to the world.  How ‘bout it?  Haven’t you dropped a resolution or two along the road paved with good intentions?  Despite the fact that your youngsters have “gone off the mark,” this is a great time to help them revive those resolutions as a way to teach the very important lessons you name: commitment and living up to one’s ideals.

The trick here is to find a way to bring up the subject without sounding as though you’re criticizing the kids or judging them for not keeping their resolutions.  For fun and to help you ease into the subject, ParentLine looked to see who came up with this custom that can be such a challenge for so many of us, both young and old.  It seems the early Babylonians took the beginning of the New Year as a time to resolve to return borrowed farm implements and to buy new ones for themselves.   Today, about 100 million Americans make resolutions on New Year’s that have little to do with tool time, though home improvements sometimes make the year’s “To Do” list.

At www.about.com, we discovered that 63% of people are keeping their resolutions after two months and 67% make three or more resolutions.  The top four resolutions are increase exercise, be more conscientious about work or school, develop better eating habits, and stop smoking, drinking, or using drugs (including caffeine).  And, finally, people make more resolutions to start a new habit than to break an old one.

A 1997 study conducted by researchers Elizabeth Miller, a University of Washington doctoral candidate in psychology and Alan Marlatt, director of UW’s Addictive Behaviors Research Center, agrees with you. The study found that commitment is the secret of success.

“The keys to making a successful resolution are a person’s confidence that he or she can make the behavior change and the commitment to making that change,” says Miller.  “Resolutions are a process, not a one-time effort that offers people a chance to create new habits.  Even if people are successful, they need to follow-up on their behavior over the years.”

Marlatt suggests that for a person to be successful with their resolutions the person must have a strong initial commitment to make a change, have coping strategies to deal with problems that will come up, and to keep track of your progress.  In addition, Marlatt says one sure-fire ingredient for resolution failure is reacting on New Year’s Eve and making a resolution based on what’s bothering you or is on your mind at the time.  You might want to talk with your daughter about what was going on with the girls at school or which mirror your son looked into round the time last year ended for clues to what caused them to make the resolutions they did. What’s changed since then to erode their commitment to these goals?

Maybe it would be helpful to meet as a family and discuss what it means to make resolutions.  Talk about how difficult it can be to keep resolutions.  Role model ways to problem solve to find ways to work toward keeping the resolutions, to get back on track, and move toward your goals.  Work with the kids to help them understand that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  Help them figure out ways to see what they can do today to move one step closer to their goal.  Encourage them to monitor their progress they make in turning their resolutions into reality in their lives.

The hidden benefit in your efforts to teach your kids about how to make commitments and live up to their ideals is that to do so, you will be teaching them how to make and achieve goals; a skill that is the keystone for success in their lives.  In an article titled “Making New Year’s Resolutions That Last,” author John Grohol PsyD. offers these tips that will help you and your children make resolutions that last:

  • Set realistic resolutions.   Choose the goal, and then break it down into smaller, more manageable bits.
  • Think of resolutions as opportunities to try new things.  Resolutions should not seem like punishments; if you try to make them fun, you will be more likely to stick with them.
  • Make a plan early on and stick with it.  Studies show that people who make impulsive resolutions are less likely to stick to them.  Think about what’s most important to you and create strategies to deal with the problems and setbacks that will come up as you move toward your goal.
  • Team up with a friend or loved one.  Make a list of your goals and share them.  You are now accountable to tow people: yourself and a friend.
  • Try again!  If you don’t succeed at first, don’t be discouraged.  Not many people are able to reach their goals on the first try.
  • Look on the bright side.  Focusing on the positive side of things will give you more energy and enthusiasm to pursue your goals.  People who believe they can succeed are more likely to do so.
  • Remember, you have the power to change.  Only you can make the commitment to change your life.  Life is about choices.  Make choices, set goals, and help yourself accomplish them.

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.