ParentLine

Dear Parentline:

My three-year-old son has been waking up at night with bad dreams about monsters and other things "getting" him. Every night we go through closets and look under the bed to try to reassure him there is nothing there, but bedtime has become very stressful for him. I have let him sleep in my bed, but I don't want to keep doing this. Is there anything I can do to help him get over this?

The most important thing to realize when dealing with bad dreams and monsters is that they are very real to three-year-olds. Developmentally, your son is at a stage where he can’t distinguish between reality and fantasy. His nightmares are as real to him as if they actually occurred.

By taking him out of his room, you may have made for him an association between the bad dreams and his room. You also may have reinforced the existence or reality of his dreams by saying if he is afraid in his room, he may leave, as if there were something of which to be afraid.

Respond to his fears with respect and sympathy. He needs warm hugs and reassurance. Calmly, try to get him to talk about his dreams. Play-acting or drawing may help him to describe them. Don’t laugh at him and refrain from comments such as “that’s silly,”  or “monsters don’t exist, everyone knows that.” Remember, his fears are real to him.

If the darkness in his room is a part of the fear, let him have a night-light in his room, on the baseboard, perhaps, or a light in the hall or room adjoining his room.

If shadows from a window or other source of light are a problem, try positioning his bed differently, or, better still, show him how shadows are formed.

Avoid teasing during the daytime such as “the monster is going to get you,” or with tales of the bogey man. Also avoid scary TV shows and movies.

Some children benefit from being encouraged to verbally tell the “monsters” or “bad things” to go away. A vacuum cleaner hose can suck out monsters hiding under the bed and there are sprays available in stores that get rid of monsters. Though this seems like nonsense to adults, it helps children take control of their fears by doing something.

You will need to be patient and may also need to be somewhat inventive to help him through this. Respond to his fears with calm patience, and remember, with your support and reassurance, this “bad dream” stage will soon pass.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.