No Date for Dance

Dear ParentLine,

Our daughter, a sophomore, is apparently the only girl in her class who didn’t get invited to the homecoming dance. We know that she’s hurt by this. There is a boy she doesn’t trust and who tends to get into trouble a lot who might ask her, but we don’t want her going with someone she doesn’t like and who isn’t good for her JUST to not be left out of the party. Quandary. What do you suggest here?

Signed, The B Family of Hillsborough County

Oh, the agony of it all! What’s worse for a parent than to see their little Cinderella staring into the cold ashes, glass slippers in hand? The hard lesson here is that you have to teach your young princess that she is her very own fairy godmother! As parents and way-showers, you have a unique opportunity during this particular “crisis” time. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to show your daughter that she can transform her own reality by the way she perceives it and that, sad but true, some princes really are toads!

To help you help your daughter, ParentLine consulted Susan Swanwick, LICSW and family therapist for Child and Family Services of NH. “It’s difficult when one sees their child’s heart broken and you can’t do anything to fix it! Allow her the opportunity to talk with you, bear her pain with her. You are modeling to her how one endures great disappointment, rejection, anger, and whatever other feeling she’s experiencing. There may be some “life lessons” to be learned here like the true meaning of friendship or saying no to an invitation from someone who may be unsavory. Her ability to deal with this disappointment means that in the future, other disappointments won’t hurt half so much at a later date.”

Swanwick asks, “Does your daughter have thoughts as to why she wasn’t invited to the dance? Maybe, is it because she has some values that others don’t have? If she is different from her classmates it may be a good thing. Maybe, she doesn’t follow the crowd or give in to peer pressure. Talk with your daughter but more importantly, listen to her!”

The following point from an article titled Developing Your Child’s Self-Esteem (The Nemours Foundation, www.kidshealth.com) will help you in both present and future conversation with your daughter. Watch what you say. Be a positive role model. Identify and re-direct your child’s inaccurate beliefs. Be spontaneous and affectionate with your child. Give positive, accurate feedback. Create a safe, nurturing home environment. Help your child become involved in constructive experiences.

A first step along the way toward finding her internal fairy godmother is to help Cinderella remove the expectation that she has to have a date. Of course, in her world right now, this is a life or death issue. Honor this fact but see if you can get her to look beyond what isn’t happening to what is!

And, if you haven’t begun already, use this opportunity to help your daughter start to develop healthy self-esteem. It’s a well-known fact that a successful fairy god-mother not only holds herself in high esteem but is able to articulate her positive attributes in an accurate manner.

The following characteristics found in an article titled Self-Esteem: A Vital Challenge for Girls (www.bridge-comm.com) can help her build the qualities needed for success in this department.

A feeling of connection with caring adults other than parents, especially at school and in the community.
A can-do attitude toward activities and challenging tasks.
A sense of life’s possibilities, especially in developing relationships with mentors and career role models.
The ability to use a well-grounded decision-making process, tested with help of family and mentors.
An ability to control decisions related to their bodies, from an early age.
An understanding of the biological, emotional, and social forces that awakening today begins in middle school rather than high school that effect their adolescent growth.

Much as your daughter wishes to go to the dance, be certain you talk to her about how important it is not to “settle” for a date with someone/anyone who--for any reason--is less than she deserves! As Swanwick points out, the fact that your daughter doesn’t have a date may be a blessing in disguise. If she’s willing to open her young heart to you, your daughter just might divulge some of the attributes of what the man of her young dreams looks like.

Keep in mind that you and your daughter use different standards to measure some of what’s acceptable in a beau. Starting now and until she really does meet the man of her dreams, it’s critical that you have on-going conversations about what constitutes a Charming Prince. Ask her to tell you how the boy who “might’ ask her to the dance scores on some of the following points listed in an article titled 6 FBI Tips to Profile Your Daughter’s Date (www.hubpages.com ):

Dressing style and judgment. What a person wears reflects his overall level of judgment and motivation.
Ask about piercing and tattoos. Generally, the more visible and in-your-face these are, the more they represent a cry for attention and a desire to be heard. Ask about his body art and piercing. It may provide insight into his character.
Ability to carry on a conversation. If a your person is able to converse about current events, sports, the weather—subjects no matter how trivial—parents, at least, see that the young man is polite and capable of carrying on a conversation.
Check his car. Does he drive a car that’s appropriate for his stage of live or has he overextended himself financially for the sake of being noticed? The type of car he drives can indicate the choices he makes, which may have an effect on the decisions he makes about your daughter. An even more critical observation is whether or not the vehicle is well-maintained. Flashy rims and big mufflers may also show where his priorities are, which would be with himself and his own vanity. And, besides, who ever heard of a pumpkin coach with pipes! No, tell Cinderella there is indeed, someone on a white horse headed her way.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.