Child and Family Services

Dear ParentLine, The school year’s just started and already, we’re scheduled up to our eyeballs! On top of homework each night, our 12-year-old has signed up for field hockey, cheerleading, student council and she’s a part of a children’s theatre and a music program. We spend all our time picking her up, dropping her off and doing paperwork to enroll her in the next set of activities. Are we, and is she, doing too much? Is it possible to over-program your kid? We’re just afraid that if we don’t give her lots to do, she’ll become idle, bored, lazy and troublesome. What do you think? Signed, Busy in Belknap County

Imagine ParentLine in a black and white stripped referee’s jersey. Hear the shrill bleat of the whistle that calls for a “Time out!” to start right now! To answer your questions in order: yes, you and your daughter are doing way too much and yes, you bet you can over-program your child. There’s no doubt that activities can enrich a child’s life. Too many can create stress for everyone concerned. And, yes, there’s a strong connection between over-scheduled kids and under-connected families.

William Doherty, PhD, author and family expert from University of Minnesota, suggests that, “the adult world of hyper-competition and marketplace values has invaded the family. Parents still love their children and try to do what is best for them, but we’re missing our children in a culture that defines a good parent as an opportunity-provider in a competitive world. Parenting becomes like product development, with insecure parents never knowing when they’ve done enough and when their children are falling behind. Keeping our children busy at least means they are in the game.”

In their book “Putting Family First,” Doherty and co-author Barbara Carlson, list the following reasons for over-scheduling kids and under-connecting families:

More working parents
Parental guilt about not seeing kids enough, doing enough
Overreaction to message that busy is better than being idle
Fear of child being behind or left out
Pressure to succeed
Parental peer pressure

Statistics Doherty’s gathered on what he calls “time changes for children since the early ‘80s, show that being a kid may not be all it’s cracked up to be these days. Children’s structured time has doubled. Time spent “on the sidelines” watching siblings and others play has increased five-fold. Children on average spend 50 percent more time studying than they did twenty years ago, with little to show in overall academic gains. The time children spent eating at home has declined by 10 percent. Their time in religious participation has declined by 40 percent. Families’ household conversations (talking together as a family, with on other activity going on) have declined from infrequent to non-existent, on average.

An excellent website at www.schoolpsychconnection.com lists the following red flags about the dangers of over-scheduling children:

Early burn-out is a side effect of highly competitive, overbooked lifestyle. Children who are in many different sports and activities can experience pressures to excel at everything.
The stress of too many activities can affect the family members. Younger siblings may feel angry or resentful of all the attention to their older siblings’ activities. Family members can miss spending time together like at dinner time or miss just sitting down to watch a family movie.
The over-scheduled can show signs of stress, anxiety and depression. Physical symptoms associated with over-scheduling and overload are head-ache, stomach-ache, irritability and sleeps problems.
The loss of free time for children. Some children are so used to be over-scheduled that they don’t know how to just be a kid. Time to play, listen to music, read a book and just daydream are all important for positive child development.

But what to do? In his book, Intentional Family, Doherty argues that parents must be deliberate in how they keep their families strong and connected. As well, parents must remember that their children’s best interests can’t be best served by frantic schedules that take away from family “together” time and leave no time for play and plain old relaxation. Doherty advises, “An intentional family rows and steers its own boat rather than being moved only by winds and currents. When it comes to your daughter’s activities, you’re the best judge of how much is too much and you get to say when enough’s enough.

In an article titled, “Is Your Child Too Busy?” (www.kidshealth.org) encourages parents to schedule things in moderation and choose activities with the child’s age, temperament, interests, and abilities in mind. Depending on the age and interests of your child, you can set reasonable limits on extracurricular activities and help make them more enjoyable for both you and your child. Here are a few suggestions:

Agree on some ground rules before you sign up for too much.
Before you say yes, make sure your child knows how much time is required for an activity.
Keep a calendar to stay organized.
Even if your child’s signed up for the season, let him or her miss one or two sessions.
Try to carpool with other parents to make life easier.
Try to balance activities for all of your children and yourself.
Create family time.
Set priorities.
Know when to draw the line and say no.

An interesting website on over-scheduled kids is www.retroparents.com. The site was created as a place where parents can opt out of the twenty-first century parenting rat race and live where free-time is not a scheduled play date. Here are some simple ways to help you become a Stay-At-Home family:

Dedicate one Saturday a month as Family Day. Each member agrees to give up any planned activities. Family members rotate choosing how the day is spent.
Have your children list their weekly activities. Next, have them circle two they really love. Then, you underline the two things that you feel are important for your child. Eliminate the remaining activities from your child’s weekly schedule.
Replace competitive team sports with family sports.
Start a Family Book Club. Select a novel and take turns reading out loud as a family. Ideas include the classics such as Where the Red Fern Grows, Little Women and Jo’s Boys, and of course, the Harry Potter series.

ParentLine urges you to remember that childhood isn’t a dress rehearsal for adulthood.

Children deserve all the time and space they need to discover and savor the joy and magic that belongs to their childhood. So, do like RetroParent says, de-schedule, unplug, come on home and play!

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.