ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

This one’s about peer pressure.  Our son, age 14 has been a model kid all of his life.  Suddenly, he’s acting differently and getting difficult.  He sneaked out of the house last weekend after he was clearly told he was NOT to go out.  He has been emailing and texting this particular kid who we specifically said he was NOT associate with AND we found beer in the shed (an area that the kids use as a playhouse and to hang out).   While our son says he just wanted to impress his friends with the fact that he HAD it (stole out of our refrigerator), he said he never intended to drink it…he just wanted not to look like such a “dufus.”  We’ve also heard him telling all kinds of tales to his friends, just so that they’ll think he’s a “rebel with a cause.”  We’re really getting worried about him.  We don’t want to break each other’s trust or destroy the chances that he’ll ever come to us to discuss difficult things.  Please advise. 

Signed, Mr. and Mrs. M in Milford, NH

 

When it comes to how to teach kids about peer pressure, think in terms of sheep and goats.  It’s a known fact that a herd of sheep will follow their leader right off a cliff.  Goats, on the other hand, are extremely intelligent, independent, and can’t be convinced to anything unless it’s something they choose to do. You might add that the odds are in favor of longevity if one chooses to lead instead of to follow. 

 

Yes, peer pressure figures into what’s going on here, but be aware that added to the mix is normal adolescent developmental stuff.  With the behavior changes you describe, your son could simply be testing the limits or something more dangerous could be going on.  Be vigilant, don’t compromise your family rules, and stay on him like a chicken on a June bug.  Don’t let up.  Keep the lines of communication open.

 

Sandra Beaudry, MS, LMFT, program director of Child and Family Services’ Family Intervention and Family Counseling programs, says, “It’s important for teens to be able to come to us (parents) if they’re in trouble and to feel good about themselves.  It’s also important to teach them to make safe decisions by holding them accountable for irresponsible or dangerous behavior.  Be clear about your expectations and the consequences of specific irresponsible or unsafe actions.  Follow through by granting privileges when he’s shown that he can make good choices and institute consequences (usually limiting freedoms), when he makes irresponsible decisions.”

 

In an article titled Secrets to Help Your Kids Handle Peer Pressure (www.bottomlinesecrets.com), Nancy Samalin suggests that peer pressure can be both positive as well as negative.  To help you help your son figure out what positive peer pressure looks like, Samalin suggests that you listen compassionately, not judgmentally but don’t back down on your values, and encourage your child’s self-esteem. “Teach your child to stand up for himself.  When your child faces a problem with a peer, the best thing you can do is help him figure out how to handle the problem on his own.  Then, be sure to praise your child for doing the right thing,” Samalin says.

 

Since your son is concerned about how other teens see him, Beaudry suggests, “You may want to brainstorm with him about how he’d like to be seen, what things he could do so that he could impress his friends with positive actions and decisions.  You might encourage your son to invite his friends to the house—not the shed!—so that you can get to know them in a more casual atmosphere under a certain degree of supervision.”

 

Beaudry adds, “You may also want to start a sort of parent peer group. Get the names and contact info for the parents of your son’s friends.  Make sure all of the parents in the group have that information.  Meet each other if at all possible.  See if you can come up with some common expectations of the teens and share concerns or positive observations with each other as appropriate.  Even if your son complains about being over-supervised, he will eventually understand that this comes from love and your commitment to raise him to be a good person.  You have done a lot of the necessary ground work up to this point and if you hang in there and hold onto your clear expectations, these things will pay off.”

 

At fourteen, your son is ready for the intensive parenting from you that will provide him with the right stuff to make the right decisions.  As mentioned earlier, he’s going to test you every step of the way on this one, but when you tell him “No,” and you get a ration of trash, ask him what part of “No” he didn’t understand.  Then, flip on Parent Tape #106B, the one that reads like a Chinese fortune cookie: Good choices.  Long life.

 

An article titled Helping Your Child to Learn Responsible Behavior from the experts at the US Department of Education suggests that a sense of responsibility is developed over time.  It is made up of our outlook and daily habits associated with feelings, thoughts, and actions.  Responsible people act the way they should whether or not anyone is watching.  They do so because they understand that it’s right and because they have the courage and self-control to act decently, even when tempted to do otherwise.

 

These folks also suggest that you teach your son about courage, as in to take a position and do what’s right even at the risk of some loss.  “It means being neither reckless nor cowardly, but facing up to our duties.  It includes physical and intellectual courage to make decisions on the basis of evidence and moral courage to stand up for our principles.”

 

Self-control and self-respect are added into this mix as well.  Teach your son that self-control means the ability to resist inappropriate behavior (like stealing beer and drinking in the shed) in order to act responsibly.  Self-control relates to all of the different aspects of responsibility including compassion for others, honesty and dealing effectively with emotions, such as anger.  By helping your son learn to respect himself, he will learn to respect his own health and safety.  Help him to learn to be unwilling to be manipulated by others and to have high standards for himself that he refuses to compromise.

 

Keep in mind that your son will acquire the habits of courage, self control and respect by doing things over and over again.  The best way to encourage him to act responsibly is to act as responsibly as you can in his presence.  You must genuinely try to be the sort of people you want your son to try to become and keep on saying “No” till he gets the message that only certain of his behaviors get your praise and a green light that says, “Good to go!”

 

PARENTLINE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS! 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.