ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, Our son is “madly in love” with a girl.  He’s in junior high school and he thinks that their “commitments” to each other will last forever.  He thinks his little 13-year-old self can determine what his 43-year-old self will want.  He and his girlfriend have exchanged “friendship rings,’ love letters, articles of clothing, and promises along with plans…yes, plans!  They want to graduate on X date, get married on X date (notice that’s before they move out of mommy’s house). Find a place to live on X date and then have kids on X date.  It all sounds WAY too serious to us.  How can we bring him back down to Earth?  We’ve tried everything to monitor them and make sure they’re not getting too involved—physically and emotionally—but we can’t watch them 24/7, and at this point, they’ve probably already made it to home base!  Please help! 

Signed, Parents of ‘Young and in Love, in Merrimack County

 

To read your description of this situation feels we tuned in near the end of the season on a TV series.  ParentLine’s missing info here.  Do you recall where you were when Junior started to play house with Tootsie?  To give you a context for what’s happening, remember that kids tend to choose behaviors to get attention from their parents. 

In your defense, ParentLine votes “yes,” to the truth that we live in a crazy world that gets crazier by the second. The expectations modern society places upon parents to provide—in both spiritual and material terms—for their children are difficult to meet for most moms and dads, and are especially difficult for single parents.  However, your job as a parent equals the same common denominator no matter what your circumstances.   The elements of the “parenting denominator” are to be present with your child, to state your values, to set rules for the behavior you expect, and to state consequences when the rules are broken.

You can limit the time the children spend together after school, as well as where they go and what they do.  Common sense says that group activities are best at this age.  Encourage your son to continue in his interests and his other friendships. To be able to balance a caring relationship and to maintain friendships is a skill he’ll be glad he has later in life, though he may not see it now.  Find out what he likes about this girl.  Has he liked other girls before?  What makes her special?  Did she seek him out or did he find her?  

Now that you’ve tuned in, welcome to Junior’s World.   At this age, and until the late teen years, kids live in fantasy where childhood “magical thinking” prevails. In his mind, his “plan” works, never mind that it contains no logic.  Sure, his hormones are raging but quite simply, your son’s brain hasn’t developed to the point where the higher cortical functions—those of reason and judgment—are in place. 

Right now, you have a narrow window of opportunity to intervene.  And, you must handle this intervention with great care.  Keep a couple of things in mind as you proceed.  You need accurate information from your son about what has or has not happened with regard to sex. Do not make assumptions.  You also must keep your cool when you get the truth.  No hysteria, no over-reaction.

Next, assess where you and Junior stand with regard to “facts of life.”  ParentLine hopes that you started to talk about sex early on, that you have continued to do so, and that you are specific in your discussions.  If not, start now. Experts at www.michigan.gov Tips for Parents, National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (www. teen pregnancy.org), suggest that it’s important that you are clear about your own sexual attitudes and values when you talk to your child.

 State what you really think about school-aged teens being sexually active and perhaps, becoming parents.  Say who is (should be) responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how that’s done.  If you have reason to believe your son and his little girlfriend are sexually active, you absolutely must be prepared to discuss contraception as well as to inform them about sexually transmitted diseases. 

The experts at Prevent Teen Pregnancy also advise that it’s important for parents to tell their children what you think about sex and intimate relationships.  Don’t be reluctant to say thins like, “Because sex should be associated with commitment, I think high school-age teens are simply too young to have sex.”  Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents.  Let your son know that you value education highly and state what your expectations are with regard to his performance in school.  Know your children’s friends and their families.  On this score, what do the parents of Junior’s girlfriend think about their “plans?”

The second phase of your intervention will employ some reverse psychology as you saturate your son with the facts of family life.  To introduce your ploy, use a line like, “If you’re going to get married and have a family, you’ll have to understand the business-end of marriage.  We’re going to teach you these things so you can do a really good job.  Are you ready?  Great, now go get a pencil and pad.  You’re going to take notes.” 

Let your son know, in advance, that your long-range plans do not include housing the young newly weds.  If he wants to have a wife and kids, he will have to get a job, start a savings account, and learn how to manage money right now.  Take him to places where he can apply for jobs, like mowing lawns.  Help him put two and two together about how much he’ll make an hour and how long he’ll have to work to make wages that amount to anything.  Remind him that if he wants a wife and a child, he has to support them.  Talk to him about responsibility and accountability for his actions. 

When you and your spouse pay the bills and balance the checkbook, have your son pull up a chair.  When you and your spouse determine the family budget, ask your son’s input.  Show him all of the categories where the dollars go.  When it’s time to grocery shop, give your son the dollar amount for the food budget, have him plan the meals for the family, then accompany him as he shops and does the cooking.  Have him draw up the family chore list.  Involve him in everything you and your spouse do over the course of a day to make your marriage and family “work.”  Demand that he participate, and if necessary, involve the girlfriend.  Engage them in everyway you can to show the cold, hard fact of what it means to play house for real.

If you are consistent enough with this strategy, ParentLine bets you will accomplish a few things.  At the very least, your son will gain invaluable information about how to be responsible in a relationship.   Second, after a month of this grinding routine, Tootsie will probably take a powder and Junior will most likely decide that to be a kid himself for just a little longer may not be such a bad gig after all.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.