ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

How do you let your kids know that you love them and care about them when you are a single parent and have to work so much? When I get home I am so tired it’s really hard to do things with them. I feel like I’m cheating them but I haven’t got the energy to play with them much.

Parents these days are busy folks, what with working, managing a household and raising children. Single parents shoulder even more responsibility because there isn’t another adult to share the work. Hard as it is to keep up with all that needs to be done, you don’t have to short-change your children or yourself. There are lots of ways you can get the routine work done and still be involved with your children. Don't think you are the only one who worries if you spend enough time with your children; most parents do.  You must remember that you are doing your best to raise your children and provide a good home. So feel proud of what you are able to do and don’t worry so much about the things that don’t work out quite the way you want.

Fortunately, children are fairly forgiving. They usually aren’t concerned about the particular activity you are doing. They simply want to be with you, to talk with you and know that you care about what’s going on in their life.  As a single parent with so much to do, consider involving them in the daily activities. Work together to get chores like laundry and meal preparation done. While you’re at it, take the opportunity to talk about the things that happened during your day. Usually when you ask a child “What did you do today?” they answer “I don’t know.” It seems too much for them to remember! Instead, be more specific.

Ask them what they liked best about their day or what they learned that they didn’t know before. Ask who they sat with at lunch and who they played with at recess. Most important, LISTEN to what they say. Have a conversation with them by encouraging them to tell you more, and to tell you their opinion.

Tell them about your day too. Kids often haven’t got a clue what their parents do all day. Tell them what you’re working on and what you liked about your day. If you had a bad day and feel a bit grumpy, tell them why in a simple way they can understand.

While you’re making supper together, share your opinions on a variety of things depending on the age of your children. Ask their opinion, listening and commenting on what they’ve said.

Keep it simple.   Maybe sometimes, look for ways to minimize the workload involved with dinner time (like a pizza night instead of a six course formal dinner).  That way you can spend more time after supper helping them with homework or relaxing or reading with them instead of scurrying around trying to get things cleaned up.

Even when it seems you’ve got tons of things to get to, it’s important to set things aside once in a while, put your chores on hold and spend some time with your children. Listening to your children and showing that you are interested in them is so important. Some simple things you can do are:

• tuck a note or a special and unexpected candy or treat in their lunch. Kids love surprises and will be happy that you have been so thoughtful. It will make them feel special and they’ll know you care. Even older kids appreciate messages such as “Good luck on your test!”
• If you can’t be there when they get home from school, leave a message where they are sure to see it. Better yet, if possible, have them call you at work to “check in” and tell you a bit about their day. If you have a computer, an e-mail message to them with a cheerful hello will be welcome and help them see you are thinking of them. Or, text-messaging is an option.
• Share reading time. Children of all ages love to be read to. Even 15 minutes of shared reading in the evening is a great way of being together for something special.

Parents have a tough job in trying to do everything that needs to get done. Doing things as simple as talking with your children and sharing your thoughts and opinions are what helps children know you care. You don’t have to be doing anything that costs a lot of money or takes a lot of time. Simply involve them in your routine activities, listen and show them you care. They’ll love you for it!

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  We invite your questions.   Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.