ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

My husband and I are having a debate with my sister and brother-in-law about how our 8-year-old son should defend himself.  We like the idea of martial arts training as that is more about discipline than violence.  But, we also are for him walking away from kids who may taunt him or pick on him.  My brother-in-law thinks that will turn our son into a “wuss” and that we need to teach him to “fight back” or at least “stand up for himself.”  Please help to resolve this issue for us. 

Sighed Peace Out in Portsmouth, NH.

 

This sounds like a case for Mr. Miyagi, teacher of the Karate Kid or Dan Millman author of The Way of the Peaceful Warrior.  Both affirm the way martial arts training can be about discipline rather than violence. You may also decide to sign up for a Tai Chi class as a family to reap both physical and spiritual benefits that result from this ancient and gentle practice.  If such instruction is given to one child at a time, someday we may transform the way in which we interact when we reach adulthood.

 

For practical help, ParentLine asked Bill Chausse, LICSW, VP of Community Services at Child and Family Services of NH, to address your question.  “Everyone is right.  Martial arts build confidence and to walk away is also a way to stand up for oneself.  The problem is that the same response in all situations is not effective. Here are several suggestions to help you respond to your child when he/she is bullied.”

 

“First, listen to your child.  Just talking about the problem and knowing that you care can be helpful and comforting. Make sure your child knows that you don’t blame or feel disappointed in him or her. Ask your child what he or she thinks should be done. What has your child tried? What worked and what didn’t?”

 

Next, Chausse advises, “Encourage your child not to retaliate against the bully or to let the bully see how much he or she has upset your child. Getting a response reinforces the bullying behavior. Tell your child that, if at all possible, he or she should stay calm and respond evenly or firmly and exert a strong and confident energy.”

 

Chausse observes that some children find that to say nothing and walk away works best. At other times, it can be more effective to make a joke, laugh at oneself, or to use humor to defuse the situation. Brainstorm with your child to develop some effective responses. Then role-play different approaches and responses with your child so that he or she will be prepared the next time.  Encourage your child to go immediately to a teacher, principal, or other nearby adult if he or she feels seriously threatened.

“You may also want to help your child develop strategies to avoid situations where bullying can happen and to avoid being alone with bullies. If bullying occurs on the way to or from school, your child may want to take a different route, leave at a different time, or find others to walk to and from school with. If bullying occurs at school, your child may want to avoid areas that are isolated or unsupervised by adults, and stick with friends as much as possible.”

Chausse suggests that you help your child learn to form strong friendships. “A child or teen who has loyal friends is less likely to be singled out by a bully, and they can be valuable allies if your child is targeted. If your child lacks friends, help him or her to develop more friendships. Encourage your child to participate in positive social groups that meet his or her interests, such as after-school groups, extra-curricular activities, church groups, or teams. In addition to helping your child make friends, these activities can help to develop your child’s special skills and rebuild his or her self-confidence.”

Beyond your work to help your child defend him or her from bullies, this may be a good time to review basic self-defense and self-protection.  Here is a list of tips excerpted compiled with the help of the folks at Farrell’s US Martial Arts and Fitness.

Teach your child not to walk over to a car whose occupants are asking directions. Most adults do not ask children for driving directions.
• Teach your child not to ride home from school with anyone, even if they say you told them to pick up your child.

Pay attention to threats by an ex-spouse of stealing your child.
Just in case you step out of your home for a minute, role-play ways of answering the door. Tell your child what to say when someone knocks on the door, and then you be the stranger.
Teach your child to yell "You're not my Mommy" or "You're not my Daddy" in case someone in a public area tries to abduct them.
Does your child(ren) know your family's secret password -- just in case someone other than you needs to pick him / her up? Make up a fun password and keep your child(ren) safe. Superexbialidotious...
• Walk the neighborhood with your child. Pick the safest routes to school and to friends houses. Discuss safe places to go in an emergency.
• Never let your child go into a public restroom by him/herself.
Get a passport for your child. That makes it difficult for someone else to get one for him/her. Contact the U.S. Post Office.
Keep fingerprints, footprints, and birth certificates of your child, as well as other means of identification.
Communicate with your child openly so he or she will feel comfortable telling you about problems and troubles.
• Let your child know that it is not okay for anyone to touch them where their swimsuit covers.

 

In many cases, bullying won’t require your involvement. If the bullying is persistent and is harming your child’s emotional health, you need to intervene by talking to your child’s teacher, school counselor, or principal about the problem in order to make sure your child is safe, that effective consequences are applied toward the bully, and that monitoring at school is adequate. Advocate for the involvement of the bully’s parents. Suggest that the school implement a comprehensive anti-bullying program

 

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.