ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, We are having a HUGE debate with our friends about spanking.  We think that it is the way to discipline a child when he/she won’t listen to our voices.  Now, we only spank as a last resort, but it seems to curb the behavior.  Isn’t that what we want?  Our friends think that it is sending a wrong message to our kids that violence is okay.  Can you please advise?  Really now, when we were kids, we were spanked when we were bad and we didn’t turn into mass murderers!  Help!  Signed, Mr. & Mrs. T. in Hillsborough County

 

On one count, you’re correct.  To spank or not to spank is a HUGE debate.  Like you and your friends, on one side of this issue are parents who think it’s okay to spank their kids.  On the other, are those who think kids should never be spanked.  Somewhere in the middle are parents who believe that spanking should only be used in particular situations. 

To help you get clear on the issue, the experts at www.kidsource.com suggest the reason for the debate is that parents and experts often define spanking differently.  According to Dr. Murray A. Strauss, co-director of the UNH Family Research Laboratory and a  preeminent family violence researcher, spanking means “slapping a child on the buttocks.”  Others consider spanking a generic term for any corporal punishment that does not cause an injury, such as slapping a child’s hand for touching something that is forbidden or dangerous.

The greater danger here is that corporal punishment can lead to violence against children. The 1995 Gallup national survey of parents (Strauss and Stewart, 1995) found that:

  • Almost all parents of toddlers (94 percent) used corporal punishment that year.

  • Parents who spanked a toddler, did it an average of about three times a week.

  • 28 percent of parents of children age 5-12 used an object such as a belt or hairbrush.

  • Over a third of the parents of 13-year-old children hit their children that year.

According to Dr. Strauss, “Two-thirds of physical violence against children is corporal punishment that has gotten out of hand.  Research at the Family Research Lab shows that the younger the child is when corporal punishment is administered, the more harm it does.”

The landmark research Strauss cites, conducted between 1997 –99, shows that corporal punishment, particularly the spanking of children by their parents, causes serious, long-lasting and far-reaching damage.  The damage ranges from subsequent antisocial behavior to the increased probability of a child-to-parent violence in the form of assault of a parent by a child. “While it is true that corporal punishment teaches the child a lesson, [this] is certainly not the lesson intended by the parents,” Straus says of these findings.  Other studies link corporal punishment by parents with dating violence and compromised cognitive performance in children.

Strauss says, “The family is the cradle of violence.  If we want to end any kind of violence, we must stop it early in the family.  Corporal punishment starts the pattern early and increases to physical abuse of children.  A well-known sociological principle states that what goes on in families is mirrored in the rest of society.”

In an article titled “Ten Reasons Not to Hit your Kids,” (www.naturalchild.org) author Jan Hunt, M.Sc. quotes Dr. Peter Newell, coordinator of the organization End Punishment of Children (EPOCH) who says, “All people have the right to physical integrity and children are people, too.”  Consider the following:

  • Hitting a child teaches them to become hitters themselves.

  • In many cases of so-called “bad behavior,” the child is simply responding in the only way he can, given his age and experience, to neglect of basic needs.

  • Punishment distracts the child from learning how to resolve conflict in an effective and humane way.

  • Punishment interferes with the bond between parent and child, as it is not human nature to feel loving toward someone who hurts us.

  • Many parents never learned in their own childhood that there are positive ways of relating to children.

  • Anger and frustration which cannot be safely expressed by a child become stored inside…angry teenagers do not fall from the sky.

  • Spanking on the buttocks, an erogenous zone in childhood, can create in the child’s mind an association between pain and sexual pleasure, and lead to difficulties in adulthood.

  • Physical punishment gives the dangerous and unfair message that “might makes right,” that it is permissible to hurt someone else, provided they are smaller and less powerful than you are.

  • Because children learn through parental modeling, physical punishment gives the message that hitting is an appropriate way to express feelings and to solve problems.

 

Whether or not you choose to spank is only one factor to consider as you examine your approach to how you choose to discipline your child.  What happens if you turn the debate with your friends into a dialog that starts with the question, “What do I want to accomplish when my child does something that I don’t want him to do?”  The folks at Kidsource suggest that if your answer is to teach your child how to make good choices on his or her own, to spank may not be the issue.  Your “debate” may, in fact, be an opportunity to look at the broader question of discipline.

To help you, here’s a definition of discipline from the experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics’ policy statement titled “Guidance for Effective Discipline,” found at  website www.aappolicy.aappublications.org. “The word discipline, which comes from the root word disciplinare—to teach or instruct—refers to the system of teaching and nurturing that prepare children to achieve competence, self-control, self-direction, and caring for others.  An effective discipline system must contain three vital elements: 1) a learning environment characterized by positive, supportive parent-child relationships; 2) a strategy for systematic teaching and strengthening of desired behaviors (proactive); and 3) a strategy for decreasing or eliminating undesired or ineffective behaviors (reactive).  Each of these components needs to be functioning adequately for discipline to result in improved child behavior.”

According to the folks at the North American Mission Board in an article titled “Constructive Discipline,” (www.namb.net ), the most important ingredients are firmness and immediacy.  A positive approach—“Do this”—is more effective that “Don’t do that.”  Other important qualities of constructive discipline are:

  • Be consistent. Don’t undermine the rules set by your spouse.

  • Be clear.  Establish a few simple rules and spell them out clearly in advance. Children should never be confused about what the rules are.

  • Be reasonable and understanding.  Explain the reason why a child is being given directions.  “The stove is hot, please keep away so you won’t be burned.”  However, don’t be afraid to say, ‘Do it because I say so.”

  • Be authoritative.  If you are hesitant or indecisive, or it you feel guilty about disciplining children, you may not do a good job.  Remember that you have years of experience, so stick to your decisions.  Never let a child talk you out of a punishment you believe is necessary.  Have the courage to call on and trust your own common sense.

Let’s close by re-writing another old saying.  Spare the rod, don’t spoil the child.  Love, teach, nurture, say “No.1” early and often.  Then set-- and stick-- to those boundaries! 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.