ParentLine

Dear ParentLine, It’s almost time for my daughter to start her first ever day of school.  She will be entering kindergarten this fall.  Oh, how I dread that day.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hold it together.  I’m also afraid FOR her…her safety and comfort.  Will other kids be mean to her? What if she can’t make friends easily?  What if she hurts herself on the playground?  What if she cries and screams as I drive away.  OH, PLEASE HELP!  I know every parent goes through this and that it’s nothing new, but that doesn’t take away from my fear.  Signed, Mother Fear in Fremont, NH

 

Please, Mom, take a couple of deep breaths, get a glass of iced tea, and while you cut that lemon wedge, remind yourself that this is kindergarten, not a kamikaze run.  Yes, a very special chapter in both your lives has closed, but try to think of how exciting this new experience will be for both of you as she begins her formal education.

Hard as it is to hear, life is full of necessary losses, like the one you face as your child goes off to school for the first time. All across the country, in the week after Labor Day, sympathetic teachers and school guidance counselors report the sound of weeping in the corridors of elementary schools near the doors of kindergarten and first-grade rooms.  And, the tears aren’t from the kids!

In many cases, it’s the parents who have problems at the start of a new phase in the life of their children when that phase means turning their child over to a stranger, even if it’s a child care professional or an elementary school teacher for seven hours a day.  You’re giving your child to a strange ‘someone’ who will teach and discipline your child, and someone who will be quoted and revered by your child as your child comes to see this person as sharing a role that you alone have held since his or her birth.

To be more comfortable with this new phase in both your lives, prepare yourself.  Call the school district and find out about parent orientation and other programs that will allow you to become acquainted with the people with whom your daughter will be spending more and more of her time.  Most schools have programs to help parents with first-day jitters.  And, if not, most schools have talented professionals in the guidance or counseling office to allay any fear you have.

Terri Stevens, an elementary school teacher for 31 yrs., in Springdale, SC, commiserates with her parents each year.  “If their child is crying, I promise them I will call them within a couple of hours and let them know their child is OK.”  She tells parents if the child doesn’t stop crying, she will have them come back to the school.  “After 31 years, I’ve never had to call a parent back.”

Hard as it is to do, you must make this very special first day of school about your daughter, NOT you.  In her article, First-Day of School Jitters – Yours and Theirs, (www.momsrefuge.com)  author Liza Burby writes about how she and her daughter are dealing with their ‘first-day blues.’  Observing that her daughter has become very ‘clingy’ whenever Liza tries to leave the house, the two have started talking about what is going to happen.

“We play school and read books about starting school, which gives her opportunities to tell me how she is feeling, either through playacting or commenting on what we’ve read.  And, whenever I can, I ask her how she feels about going on the bus, eating in the cafeteria, having gym and art classes, or learning how to read.  When we speak about these new experiences, she smiles and is clearly excited.  Meanwhile, she knows that I am listening well.”

Burby advises that there are other things parents can do to ease first-day jitters for their children, but warns, “Don’t wait until the night before to try them!”  Her suggestions are:

• Encourage independence by making sure kids can go to the bathroom by themselves, sip, and button and tie their clothes, and clean up their toys.

• Visit the classroom before day one, preferably when the teacher is there.  Take your child on a tour so they know where the bathroom is, where they’ll eat and play.  If the school is locked, at least walk around the grounds, letting them play on the playground equipment.  Having an idea of where things are can help relieve their anxiety.

• Most schools have an orientation for new students.  Try to find a child there who your child already knows or connects with and schedule a brief play date before school starts.  When they see a familiar face on the first day, they’ll feel more relaxed.

• Request a conference with your child’s teacher, or at least, write a letter telling him or her your child’s likes and dislikes, how your child expresses anger, sadness and joy, chronic illness or allergies, everything they need to know about your child.

• Keep the rest of your child’s life predictable.  This is not a good time to change sitters, mess around with bedtimes, go on a business trip (if you can avoid it), or anything else likely to make your child anxious.

• Read to your child at least 20 minutes a day as a bonding opportunity, as well as a learning tool.

When school begins, smile when you say good-bye.  If you cry, you will increase your daughter’s anxiety.  It’s fine to tell her that you will miss her, but be sure to emphasize the fun she is going to have and what a wonderful experience it is to be able to go to school and to learn new things that are so important for the rest of her life!  If you are positive and confident about this experience, she will pick up on this and will have a much easier transition.  You may not – repeat may not – make your child worry about YOU, as in, “I don’t know how I will manage until you come home.”  ParentLine flunks folks who pull this trick!

Burby also reminds parents about their own first-day feelings, “Don’t forget to be proud.  You’ve spent five years growing your child to this point of new independence.  It’s a credit to you that they can go to school and thrive.  Even so, might I suggest dark glasses and a box of tissues?”

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.