Swearing

Dear Parent Line,

My son won’t stop swearing. He’s 14 years old and a pretty good kid, but he just has a foul mouth that I can’t seem to shut. Sometimes, it is funny, but other times, it’s hurtful and even nasty/dirty and quite embarrassing. He doesn’t even let up when he’s around other adults. Before you ask, YES, my husband swears like a sailor. BUT we try to instill the “do as we say, not as we do” idea. Not working, though. Any clever solutions besides threatening to wash his mouth out with soap (I know that would never fly by today’s standards)? Thanks.

Signed, Mrs. F. in Franklin

Funny you mentioned it. Parent Line still remembers the distinct taste of that special brand of yellow laundry bar soap that was guaranteed to clean both tough stains and a kid’s trash mouth. The fact that parents have “evolved” beyond such radical forms of punishment for foul language is good news. However, the problem remains!

Researchers in an article titled, Swearing (www.circleofparents.org) have even come up with a handy dandy list of why kids swear. These are:

To feel like a grown up. When kids hear adults swear, it’s always in an attention getting tone of voice. People react. Emotions are on high. The air crackles with static. Kids try out cuss words to see if they can create the same atmosphere and get the same kind of imagined respect. Younger kids are just playing mynah bird.
To get attention. Once a child uses a bad word and gets a startled and immediate response from the adults around him, he realizes what a powerful tool it can be.
To prove independence. Kids are trying to prove they are separate from you, and that you don’t control everything about them. Since you can’t possibly control what comes out of their mouths, this is an area where they may rebel.
To gain peer acceptance. Kids want to be accepted by their peers. Often, swearing is seen as “cool,” so cussing is just a way for a kid to try to fit in with the crowd.
To mimic what they see on TV or in the movies. Kids are easily affected by their environment. If they have a “role model” who curses, they will sure enough try it themselves.

There you have it. The bad news here is that when it comes to modeling the behavior you expect your kid to have, there can be no double standard. Either your husband cleans up his act and uses the sort of language you expect your son to use or your family can join the sad decline in civility that modern society reflects in its pervasive choices of crude, vulgar, and down-right dirty language.

ParentLine’s no prude. However, we find the flood of foul language that pours out of all media sources and from conversations overheard in passing on the street or at malls to be down-right depressing and to lack creativity. What ever happened to the artistic obscenity favored by our grandparents, gentle phrases like dagnabit, sweet cheeses or son of a monkey that got the point across without being offensive?

To help you get at the reasons people do swear, Tracy Wilson suggests (www.howstuffworks.com) in an article titled, How Swearing Works, “In early childhood, crying is an acceptable way to show emotion and relieve stress and anxiety. As children (especially boys) grow up, Western society discourages them from crying, particularly in public. People still need an outlet for strong emotions, and that, is where swearing comes in. A lot of people think of swearing as an instinctive response to something painful, unexpected, frustrating and upsetting. Researchers believe that swearing helps relieve stress and blow off steam, like crying does for small children.”

What’s the solution? The folks at www.circleofparents.org suggest the first step is to review the reasons kids swear and determine which one is the fuel for the child’s fire. Once you understand where this is coming from you can use one or more of the following tools:

Set calm limits. Often a parent’s shocked response will actually encourage a child to repeat foul language. A simple calm approach works better. “That is not a word children use. You may say, ‘oh, drat’ instead.’ If the child persists, choose a quiet time to express your feelings, and set specific limits. Discuss why people swear, define what swear words are, and explain why they aren’t acceptable in your family. Outline the future consequences for bad language—and follow through next time it happens.
Teach acceptable alternatives. Some kids have a hard time expressing their angry feelings. Their lack of wisdom leads them to believe they’re the only ones who ever feel this way and that their feelings are bad or wrong. It helps kids when we allow them these feelings, even as we set limits on their behavior. When an angry child curses at you, immediately offer an alternative. “That language is unacceptable. You may say, ‘I’m so mad at you,’ or ‘I disagree with you.’”
Praise good behavior. When your child responds to anger in an appropriate way make sure you acknowledge it.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.