ParentLine
ParentLine is concerned as to whether or not your husband continues to drink. The way in which you handle this situation depends on the extent of your husband’s “problem with alcohol,” if he has sought help and is in recovery or if you have to deal “straight up” with a double on the rocks—both dad and son drinking and in denial.
If your spouse has his problem under control, the two of you can see a counselor to talk about the issue of your son’s drinking, your husband’s history of drinking, and your views on alcohol, in general. If your spouse doesn’t have his problem under control, you must seek support not only of a counselor but also from a 12-Step group like Al-anon.
Have you two, as the adults in the home, made a conscious decision to have alcohol in your home? Some families choose to have a “dry house.” If you have alcohol in the house, what are the house rules about drinking it? It often happens that there is abuse of drinking by family members who have problems with alcohol. Have there been occasions at your home where things have gotten out of control? At what age did your husband start to drink? Was it underage (a lot of people with alcohol problems begin drinking at a very early age).
Susan Swanwick, LICSW/family therapist, Child and Family Services, says, “You must get a clear idea about the role alcohol plays in your lives so that you then can sit down and talk openly with your son about your concerns. Your son has choices to make, but maybe you and your husband can do some thing differently from the way he and his father handled things.”
Researchers began to explore why alcoholism runs in families in the 1980s. Dr. Mark Schuckit, University of California/San Diego, did a landmark study in which sons of alcoholics were tested to see how sensitive they were to alcohol. He found that 40 percent of them were unusually insensitive—meaning they had to drink more than the average person to get drunk. However, when the same group was studied a decade later, the level of response to alcohol at about age 20 was a very powerful predictor of alcoholism.
Dr. Schuckit speculates, “If you were a son of an alcoholic, and showed a low level of response to alcohol, your risk for alcoholism almost a decade later was 60 percent. If you were the son of an alcoholic and showed a high level of sensitivity to alcohol, your risk for alcoholism 10 years later was about 15 percent, a huge difference.” If many children of alcoholics do inherit an increased ability to tolerate alcohol, that may set the stage for alcohol dependence by making it difficult for these people to learn to stop.
The inter-generational alcoholism you describe in your husband’s family may be an example of this dynamic. A New York Times article titled, “Alcoholism: Genetic Links Grow Clearer,” by Gina Kolata, quotes Schuckit who says that young men, in particular, are encouraged to drink heavily. If they do not have the inherent protection of falling and acting drunk, they may begin drinking regularly enough and heavily enough so that it becomes a problem.
Because the “heritage” of alcoholism runs in your family, you have to draw the line in order to break this vicious cycle. According to Nelba Chavez, PhD, SAMSA Administrator, “Underage drinking—even so-called light drinking—is dangerous, illegal, and must not be tolerated. Parents need to know that alcohol use can also be a warning sign or a cry for help that something is seriously wrong in a child’s life.” To help you help your son—and his father, if Dad’s still drinking, ParentLine urges you to contact any and all of the resources listed at the end of this article to help you get help for your family members and yourself.
If both your husband and son are drinking, you might want to consider an intervention. The experts at www.about.com, in an article titled Alcoholism and Substance Abuse, suggest that you don’t have to wait for a crisis in the form of a violent incident, medical emergency or an accident Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help a person with a drinking problem accept treatment.
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Stop all “rescue missions.” It’s important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the person will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking, and thereby become more motivated to stop.
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Time your intervention. Plan a talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred.
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Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you.
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State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences—not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking.
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Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to the treatment program and/or AA meeting.
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Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.
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Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for significant adults in an alcoholic’s life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics.
Resources:
Child and Family Services’ Adolescent Substance Abuse Treatment program: 1-800-640-6486.
NH Alcoholics Anonymous Hotline: 1-800-593-3330
NH Department of Health and Human Services: 1-800-852-3345
National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence: 1-800-622-2255
SAMSA’s National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information: 800-487-4889
ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.
