Child and Family Services

Dear ParentLine,

I was at the store the other day and saw a mom wrestling with her child, trying to get something out of his hands. He was screaming and kicking and making a big scene. About 15 minutes later, I see this child, we’ll guess he was about three years old, crying up a storm to the point where you really felt he was going to pop a vein, while the mother was trying to ignore him and continue her shopping. I really wanted to say to her, “Time to take the child home, he clearly isn’t happy here -- and is shopping really that important?” BUT then, I thought that she would probably go home and take her frustrations out on the kid. What can I do, as a concerned individual, and a parent myself who has dealt with tantrum-throwing kids, in a situation like that?

Signed Want to Help, Not Interfere, in Hillsborough County

OK. We all agree. To watch a kid throw a tantrum in a public place and have the parent behave in a way other than what the innocent by-stander thinks appropriate, is tough. Certainly, the trickiest part of a situation like this one is to get a sense of what’s really going on.

Is the mom ignoring her screaming kid as a “tantrum strategy?” If so, how come she hasn’t packed Junior out of the store? This, of course, would be the best course of action for all concerned. Or, perhaps, is the mom not in touch with the extent to which her kid will go to demand her attention? At a time like this, the best advice ParentLine can offer is: Proceed with caution. That said, if ever you observe that a child is in danger, step in.

There’s a huge difference between interference and intervention. Would this mom consider your opinion that shopping is more important than her child’s comfort level “interference?” Probably. Instead, you could intervene with a gentle statement like, “Gosh, sometimes kids really have a hard time when moms need to shop. I know I sure had a handful when my two were little. Is it his lunch (or nap) time?” If you do decide to speak, be supportive and helpful not critical or judgmental.

In a Pittsburgh Post Gazette article titled Tantrums: One Kind Word May Diffuse Public Meltdown, MacKenzie Carpenter quotes Heather Detillio, director of the OneKindWord project, partnership between Family Resources, Inc. and Family Communications, Inc., which seeks to reduce parent-child conflicts in public, who says, “One.kind word to a stressed out parent who may be on the verge of losing control can make a huge difference.”

According to Detillio, the collaborative shows ways to engage all of us in a step toward preventing routine situations from becoming abusive. “It gives anyone the words and actions, in three simple steps, so that each person has the ability and takes the responsibility to recognize a situation of parent/child conflict or stress, to pause and to intervene, with kindness.”

The model uses the “signal light” concept as an easy way to remember the three simple steps and three basic strategies when confronted with a stressed out parent and child in a public setting. These are:

Stop and recognize when you may be able to help a parent or child.
Take a moment to get ready to step in.
Try one kind word by connecting with, distracting or assisting the parent or child.

Tantrums are typically associated with that charming time in a child’s life called the terrible twos, though experts widen the window of time kids display this behavior from 18-48 months. A child may throw a tantrum when they want attention, are tired or are frustrated.

Unfortunately, according to David Gershaw, PhD, author of Teaching Tantrums, parents typically teach their children to throw tantrums. Kids throw tantrums because they can’t get what they want. If they get what they want by throwing a tantrum, they are more likely to use tantrums in the future. Why not? They work! Gershaw says that giving in to tantrums is the surest way to guarantee that they will continue. If the tantrums are not rewarded, they are less likely to be repeated. So, if the first few tantrums are not rewarded, children are almost sure to drop this method.

Beyond the obvious reasons little kids use tantrums to get attention, the child may have another kind of problem which, given his age, he can’t articulate in any other way than by screaming. Be sure to contact your child’s doctor to check for any physical problems that may be contributing to the tantrums, although this not common. These physical issues can include hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language delays or a learning disability.

The folks at the Raising Children Network suggest the following as ways to deal with tantrums:

Prevent tantrums by reducing stress. Tired, hungry and over-stimulated children are more likely to throw tantrums.
Be aware of how your child is feeling. If you can see a tantrum brewing, step in and try to distract your child with another activity.
Identify tantrum triggers. If certain situations—shopping, visiting or mealtimes—frequently involve tantrums, think of ways to make these events easier on your child.
When a tantrum occurs, stay calm (or pretend to!). If you get angry, it will make the situation harder for both of you. If you need to speak at all, keep your voice calm and level and act deliberately and slowly.
Wait out a tantrum. Ignore the behavior until it stops. Once a temper tantrum is in full swing, it’s too late for reasoning or distraction. Your child won’t be in the mood to listen and you run the risk of teaching your child that tantrums get your full involvement and attention.
Make sure that there’s no pay-off for the tantrum. If the tantrum occurs because your child doesn’t want to do something, gently insist that he does. If the tantrum occurs because your child wants something, do not give him what he wants.

As a parent, when your child is throwing a tantrum, probably the hardest thing to do is to try to relax and not react angrily. Sometimes kids just have to work out their tantrums on their own, so at least make sure the child is safe while doing so. Remember to be calming, reassuring and understanding. Give your child the chance to tell you why he’s so mad and listen to what he says. Tell him that you’re sorry he can’t have or do what he wants. He’ll still be mad but it’s important that he knows you are listening. In time he will learn that this is a more effective way of communicating than kicking and screaming.

Although tantrums are frustrating, they are also an opportunity for parents to help their children learn to communicate their wants and emotions well.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.