Child and Family Services

Dear ParentLine, Our eight-year-old son seems to have trouble making friends. He never seems comfortable with other kids his age and doesn’t even want to play with other kids. He kind of watches from the sidelines, never having any fun. He’s not really that shy, but just seems so serious…he never laughs! Please help us help him to be a kid! Signed, The W family of Grafton County

ParentLine feels your pain. It’s just plain tough to see your child’s unhappiness, to be unsure as to the cause and then, to wonder what to do. Add to this the fact that young kids don’t have the ability to put into words what they’re feeling, and you have a tough nut to crack. As you will be called to do many times in your role as a parent, you must become a detective. No one knows your child better than you. Use the same power of observation you used to spell out his “symptoms” to help you find a solution.

First off, could you be projecting your idea of what’s “fun” and what isn’t onto your son? How do you really know he’s not having any fun? Has your son always been a serious child or is this something new? Do you have reason to think you might need a professional therapist’s evaluation and support to help your son to develop appropriate ways of relating to his peers? Are there any dynamics in the home that might contribute to the way he behaves outside the home? As you observe him in a playground situation, are there any dynamics, such as bullying, going on that would make him feel uncomfortable?

In an article titled When There’s Trouble Making Friends at www.parents.com, ParentLine found the following guidelines you could use to help your child make friends:

Avoid labeling or allowing other people to label your child. Social skills should be portrayed as things we all struggle to learn and any child’s social characteristics shouldn’t be described as a fixed state, such as shy, insensitive or aggressive. Any label tends to perpetuate the behavior that it describes.

Set up situations with younger kids. Having opportunities to exercise leadership and social skills with an admiring younger child helps kids achieve the same level of social participation as their peers.

Involve yourself. Help your child make friends by including children in social activities. Driving other children to school, sponsoring a scout troop, baking together with your child and his friends or joining neighborhood activities can all aid your child’s social development and strengthen your relationship. These activities are likely to encourage friendships that break through the typical age and sex boundaries found in school.

Assess the school environment. When you are choosing a school, try to gauge the social atmosphere. What are the school rules on behavior? Is there a kind, accepting environment for all children? Are children encouraged to cooperate?

Look at yourself as a social model for your child. You don’t have to be popular any more than your child does, but your own tendencies toward social withdrawal or interaction will have a powerful effect on your child.

ParentLine found another article titled Helping Young Children make New Friends at School (www.library.adoption.com), which suggests that the situation you describe with your child may be made more difficult because a child may be reluctant to talk about apprehension they may feel about the other kids not wanting to play with them or sit next to them at lunch. The authors suggest that a parent can act positively to help their child develop new friendships in new situations. Here are some things you can do:

Acknowledge the child’s feelings. Listen carefully to your child when he discusses his feelings about friends. It may be more helpful to accept his feelings as part of a legitimate concern than to tell him not to be so concerned or to think about something else. Avoid the use of the word “should” when you talk with your child about his feelings. Kids may have a hard time knowing how to deal with their feelings if they are told what they “should” or “shouldn’t” feel about making new friends. Instead, try to simply re-state what you hear your child say. For example, when you hear your son say he’s concerned about going out to recess with no one to play with, you might first say, “I can tell you’re worried about recess tomorrow.”

Make a plan together: Ask your son who he’d like to have as a friend. Then, you might arrange to invite the prospective friend for an after school play or enroll your child in an extracurricular activity with the prospective friend.

Accept the challenge. You can become good role models in solving problems. You can help your child to see that the problem of making friends in a new classroom, though sometimes difficult, can be tackled. Talk about possible solutions with your child on an on-going basis. Help him to see that if one course of action doesn’t work, he can try another. Offer him reassurance that he can solve the problem.

Show empathy. Think back to a time when you were in a similar situation. Tell your child how you felt. If it was difficult for you to make friends when you were young, it might be helpful for you to let your child know that you experienced the same fears about making new friends and how you overcame those fears.

Give it time. Explain to your child that friendship takes time to grow. The time you spend helping your child to make friends is time well spent.

Janet Clark, at the University of Missouri Extension, in an article titled Getting Young Children Ready to Learn, (http://muextension.missouri.edu), offers parents the following ideas to help develop a child’s social skills:

Use positive discipline to teach self-control
Take time to understand a child’s point of view
Help them to think about how their behavior toward others can create or solve problems
Join children’s play, do what they do and have fun together
Help them find non-physical alternatives to expressing their angry feelings
Model behavior that is respectful of others

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.